25) Guardian Soulmates Online
October 29, 2008
One day I am at home. I am on the sofa.
I am daydreaming.
I have become addicted to yoga, I look like Penelope Cruz and Russell Brand is stalking me.
The phone rings. It’s Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In a Sherry Trifle.
‘Let’s meet up tonight.’
‘Cool’
‘I can’t have a heavy one.’
‘Me neither.’
It is a well known fact that any night which starts with the phrase ‘can’t have a heavy one’ will end with you being sick in a sex shop at 4 am and then spending the following day in a darkened room with a wet flannel over your head, whispering to anyone who’ll listen that you have a migraine. In light of this well known fact I vow to be sensible. I will drink white wine spritzers if we go to the pub.
Then it dawns on me that wine is supposed to accompany a meal. I’ll cook! I’ll pull out all the corks. I’ll heat up some water and add those little pasta cushions full of cheese that you get in Sainsbury’s. I’ll entertain Lovely Actress With A Fanttasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle. We’ll talk about the arts. We’ll messily grate parmesan. It’ll be like that Knorr advert. The one I never got. I’ll show them.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle arrives,
‘I’m cooking!’ I pant.
‘I’m not really eating at the moment.’
Not really eating at the moment???! That’s like saying ‘I’m not really going to the loo at the moment.’
‘I’m on diet pills.’
I don’t know how people usually respond to this question but I take it by her expression that they don’t normally say ‘Are they speedy? Have you got anymore?’
Apparently, they're not speedy. They’re natural and they just make you feel full. I take a hand full anyway. It’s all so Britney chic.
So we sit, we chat, we drink wine.
I cook dinner. Then we sit, we chat, we drink wine. And we look at dinner.
Then, tantric slowly, we eat four pasta cushions. Between us.
I feel so full that I might give birth to a pasta child.
Diet Pills Rock.
Normally we might eat until we beach and belch. Today we are sprightly like weightless nymphs. With dinner over I get out my weary little laptop and show Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle how well The Other Convent Girl is doing on match.com. Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle wants to join match.com but I am anxious. The standard of spelling and grammar is low. Lower than the base level of my humour. Which is very low and constantly plummeting. The Other Convent Girl is fine on match.com. I read an email that she sent to a winker which said ‘ I had a quite weekend’
Super Cilla cannot have another friend on match.com. She would start to wonder wear her sanity had gone. Also if she sees another profile which says ‘I love new experiences’ she is liable to sod the diet. And make a big stew. Using her own head.
So we check out the competition. We peruse Guardian Soulmates. And the men look tasty. Delicious. You wouldn’t want to take a diet pill before eating any of them, Except perhaps, the man with the DD man boobs and a head the shape of a joint of lamb.
She joins. We write her profile.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy Top Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle demands more creative control over her profile than The Other Convent Girl. She dictates and I type. Until she notices that I have added the words ‘Doesn’t do anal’ in her ‘About me’ section. She takes the key pad and starts doing her own typing after that. Then because bottom sex gags are so moreish, I write ‘Where’s my butt plug?’ as her tag line when she goes to the loo.
The photo. I have one rule about the photo. She must be grinning. And I don’t mean a demure little smile. I mean a big ‘I'm a Satanic Sex Slut, it’s up there somewhere just get it out will you’ grin.
Now Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle has a lot of photos but I suspect we can’t use any of them as they were all taken after 3am on mobile phones and although she looks unspeakably cute she’s generally wedged between two randy actors and pretending to spank a third with a pool cue.
The only suitable one we have is an actor publicity photo and although it’s black and white and arty. It doesn’t look like her. It looks like Sandi Toksvig.
In light of the fact that Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle looks more like Christina Ricci this doesn’t seem ideal.
Anyway it’s all we have.
We put the Sandi Toksvig photo up.
We get a message. Instantly.
From Man Boob Man.
I charge my digital camera.
‘Glasses on. Glasses off! Finger up bottom face. A bit higher! Work it!’ and so it continues until we have seven saucy photos. We upload them and we start to look at the men. You don’t wink at them like you do on match.com. You ‘favourite’ them. Which is exactly the same but not so much fun as favourite doesn’t rhyme with stink or sound like wank.
The conversation goes on for hours along these lines.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: What’s it with you and bald blokes?
Super Cilla: (humph) You’re so fussy.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: He’s nice.
Super Cilla: What star sign?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Aries
Super Cilla: (shudder) Definitely not.
The next day my two-pound-lighter-body lays in the dark room.
My thinner-than-yesterday-wrist holds a wet flannel to my head.
My one-functioning-eye squints at a screen of Tabasco hot, literate men who have favourited my friend.
I daydream.
I, Super Cilla, am a pulling expert on Richard and Judy.
I am brilliant.
I am bendy.
Bottom jokes are sparse.
Oh Bollocks.
I just told Richard Madely that Russel Brand did me up the arse.
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25) Guardian Soulmates Online