Book publication day post.
April 2, 2009
My book is out today! And i just want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has supported this blog and made this amazing adventure possible. If you would like to read the first chapter, listen to a podcast of me speaking some of the novel (ahhhhhhhhh..i'm not sure i can bring myself to listen to it. If it's ridiculous, please don't tell me. Just nod politely and say 'the sound quality was very good.') or an interview with me or would just generally like a festival of me and me book. Then please have a click http://www.panmacmillan.com/Titles/displayPage.asp?PageTitle=Individual%20Title&BookID=408783 You may have seen my big moon face in The London Paper this week as some of my looking for love tips were published there. For one homeward journey I was London's Love Doctor. I dread to think of the results on public decency. The article came from this much ruder and longer yearly plan which i made for friends at the beginning of the year. I thought you might like to see the unedited version.
THE 53 WEEK PERSONAL PULLING PLANNER
HAVE YOU GIVEN UP ON LOVE??
Do you adamantly believe that all the best ones are taken?
Do you mouth ‘it’ll end in tears’ when you see happy couples kissing?
Is your idea of ‘adult fun’ playing Scrabble with your dad?
If so then this could be the plan for you!
Before we begin there are a few friendly words of advice to remember which will make this plan more successful for you:
1. Lower your expectations. Are you looking for a handsome dark-haired, wealthy man with a good job in IT? Hmmmm. Try instead looking for a man with hair and a job. When you expect little you can only be either a) right b) pleasantly surprised.
2. Talk to all men as though they are ugly. Most of them will be anyway. But if you are faced with an example of Gillette advert perfection, pretend he is ugly, quickly, before you start dribbling and speaking like a Telly Tubby. It is always much easier talking to ugly people.
3. Start flattering the opposite sex. ‘There's nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him’ as the Baroness from the Sound of Music very sensibly pointed out. Behaving in this way will make you feel a little queasy at first but wait until you see them melt like Magnums in the midday sun.
4. Remember that we were all born shy and terrified at the thought of pulling but God invented large glasses of Pinot Grigio and buy two get the rest of the bottle free offers to aid us.
You will also need:
1. A girlfriend who: a. has a rampant enthusiasm for drinking and making a fool herself, and b. is not as good looking as you
2. A lot of make up. Put it on in the dark and stop just before you look like a man in drag.
3. A push-up padded bra which is too small for you, stuffed with unused cotton wool pads.
4. High heels because they make you look thinner.
Ready now? Let’s go …
Week One
Cosmic ordering
You will be probably be too taxidermied with turkey and Christmas pudding to move. But good news this week: you won’t have to move. Simply steal a Cadbury’s selection box from an under-five and lie back and start cosmic ordering.
I can hear you saying ‘pah! Cosmic ordering will be as effective in my life as a Kaliber on a bender!’ But just you listen to this… a few years ago Noel Edmonds was just your average run-of-the-mill faded television superstar. One minute he was opening gynaecology units in hospitals near Exeter while his wife was boffing her pilates instructor. The next he was signing million pound contracts for the cannily named daytime quiz show Deal or No Deal. How? He cosmically ordered the show. He asked the universe to give him a television show. And the universe said ‘er all right then Noel’.
Now you must ask the universe to give you a man. Close your eyes and go for it. (It’s best if you specify a bit. Things like a pulse, a mouth, older than 12 but younger than 92, that sort of thing.)
Week Two
Online dating
You will need something to cheer you up when you return to work and perusing the legions of men on dating websites who bear a very real resemblence to Shrek will do just that.
Suggested response when an unconventional looking man sends you a message: ‘Thank you so much for that lovely picture of a park/waterfall/townhouse/kitchen surface. It’s a shame that bloke got in the way.’
Week Three
Speed dating
You’re probably fiscally damaged after Christmas and tax is due soon. So pick a cheap one. Some are only £20 to meet 20 men. A bargain. The Pound Land of Dating.
What to say: ask them if they know any good jokes then if all else fails you will learn something.
Week Four
The Singles’ Night
Recommended action: Start with a pint of strong European lager, follow with the bottle of Pinot Grigio. Move quickly onto spirits.
Recommended chat-up line: ‘How about we each go off and get drunker and then meet back here for a snog at 11?’
Week Five
Burns Night
Find a place full of drunk, Scottish men in kilts (pubs and Scotland should be full of them). Lift up a man’s kilt, lick your lips as though you’ve just eaten a donut and say ‘Is this the Scottish haggis?’ in an M&S sexy food voice.
Week Six
Pulling at work
Cast your eyes around the open plan office. Is there a specimen of male perfection that you might have overlooked?
a) Yes
b) No
If the answer is a) yes, buy some biscuits from Millie’s, put them in a Tupperware then approach said man saying, ‘would you like a cookie I made with some disadvantaged children this weekend?’ Then lift your skirt up to reveal a lacy stocking top and scratch your leg. Not too much though, don’t let him think you have shingles.
If the answer is b) no, lower your standards and try again. Pinot Grigio will help with this. Continue until you can answer a) yes.
Week Seven
Valentine’s Day
It is now permissible to resuscitate an ex-lover. Call them and say, ‘I still think you’re a knob head but I miss that thing you used to do.’
Week Eight
Pulling a barman
Barmen get a lot of attention so don’t shilly-shally about.
Order a Screaming Orgasm and A Slippery Nipple then say, ‘I love your cock…… (smile, lick your lips and then suck on a finger like you’re trying to get a ring off in the pause) ……….tails.’
Week Nine
Pulling in a pub
Like most places which sell lager, pubs are full of men. A man goes in a pub to demonstrate that he can drink lager and entertain his friends with stories about football and drinking lager.
Suggested chat-up lines:’ You’re very funny. Are you a comedian?’ or ‘Would you like a pint of lager?’
Week Ten
Pulling in a nightclub
The nightclub is a double-edged sword for men. On the one hand they like them because they contain young women jiggling in tight tops on the other they loathe them because they house a dance floor and music with repetitive beats. Suggested chat-up line: ‘You dance really well…for a man.’
Week Eleven
Pulling at a salsa club
Foreign men don’t have the same irrational fear of dancing as your average English male. Nor do foreign men look as though they’ve just eaten a dodgy vindaloo when they dance. Make the most of it.
Suggested chat-up line: ‘I may not have great rhythm but I’m very enthusiastic and quite bendy too.’
Week Twelve
St Patrick’s Day
Wander into a pub full of men drinking Guinness. Find a man with fresh pint. Stick your finger in the white foamy top, slowly put your finger in your mouth and say ‘I love the head’. It shouldn’t be long before someone shows you his shamrock.
Week Thirteen
Meet the neighbours
Have a party for all the flats in your block. Wander around holding M&S dips and some hacked apart carrots and say, ‘nibble?’ and ‘dip?’ a lot.
Then suggest a game of Spin the Bottle. When everyone looks at you as though you are six, look at them as though they are stupid and say ‘it’s a big thing now. The Primrose Hill set are always doing it.’
Week Fourteen
The April Fool
Wake early. Dress smart. Go to a place where lots of men work. City office, building site, the headquarters of Nuts or Zoo magazine. Approach a man and say in a professional manner, ‘Have you heard of Kelly Brook?’ Ignore the whooping sound they make as they say the word ‘yes’. Then say, ‘I work for her management company and we are looking for an average man to kiss her in an advert. Is this something that might interest you?’ Ignore the Mars Bar in his pocket which might start to appear as he says ‘yes’. Then ask him to audition. He must close his eyes, pretend that you are Kelly Brook and kiss you. Have a good morning.
Week Fifteen
Pulling a waiter
Suggest going to an Italian restaurant and ordering your dinner with the Italian waiter. That should do the trick.
Week Sixteen
Easter
Spend the four-day holiday wearing bunny ears with cotton wool stuck to your bottom. Go up to handsome men shouting ‘Chase me! Chase Me! I won’t run fast. I’m the Easter bunny. I bet you can’t guess where my eggs are?’
Week Seventeen
Places where men go: Toilet
Position yourself in a bar at a table near the men’s toilets. Don’t’ say ‘Urgh! You dirty bastard, did that smell come from you?’ Instead say with a saucy glint in your eye, ‘I hope you washed your hands.’ Repeat until someone offers you a drink or you get removed from the establishment by a bouncer.
Week Eighteen
DIY shops
People often neglect the fact that B & Q and Wickes can be hotbeds of lust.
Suggestion
Wander around muttering ‘I need a screw’ repeatedly.
Week Nineteen
Gym
Tip: Stay off the treadmill. Accidents can happen when you start looking at honed men on moving machinery.
Instead: Struggle with a piece of apparatus and then say, ‘You look like you know how to use your equipment … (it is very important to look innocent here) I mean, THE equipment.’
Week Twenty
Go to a garden centre
Take sandwiches as it might take a few hours to find someone who isn’t there with a wife in wellies. Once you find a single male, do not waste time, approach and say ‘I don’t actually have a garden but I do have a lovely bush which needs tending.’
Week Twenty-One
The rush hour
Rush hour travel offers the opportunity to get as close to a man as physically possible, bar penetration. Start with ‘nice armpit,’ then proceed on to ‘Is that book good?’ even if he is reading something called ‘Advanced Software Testing - Vol. 1: Guide to the ISTQB Advanced Certification as an Advanced Test Analyst’.
Week Twenty-Two
An acoustic night
Acoustic gigs are always full of men. This is because every man has a friend who is tone deaf, yet still insists on writing and performing songs about pain. Men like to support their friends those who labour under the illusion that they are Jeff Buckley.
At the interval approach your prey and say, ‘Are you in a band?’ He will love this. Now all you have to do is look thrilled when he tells you that he is fact a systems analyst controller.
Week Twenty-Three
A hen night
Simply steal the ‘Bride to be’ sash, hat, L plates, dingy boppers, fairy wings, blow up man etc and run about screaming ‘take me while you can, big boy.’
Week Twenty-Four
Chip van/ KFC/kebab shop between midnight and 2am
You must quell your normal impulses to shout ‘I can’t believe you’re eating that crap. Your farts will kill animals tomorrow.’ You must: Love him and love his kebab.
Try instead: ‘Excuse me, I don’t usually come to these places, I cook generally, I’m a huge fan of Nigella. [Self-deprecating laugh while he looks at your boobies.] Is the lamb doner as lovely as it looks?’
Week Twenty-Five
Film screening
Go to a busy cinema and watch a boy film. Stand in the foyer after the show. Start saying loudly things like, ‘it was ok but it just didn’t have the impact of say Star Wars or Blade Runner.’ A man should approach and propose there and then. If he doesn’t sidle up to one and say ‘Excuse me I’m having this debate with my friend, what’s the name of the police officer who becomes Robocop? I’ve completely forgotten and I’m sure I won’t be able to sleep tonight unless I remember.’
Week Twenty-Six
Going for the big guns: the surfer
Big Gun chat-up line: ‘Have we met before or do I recognise you from a Gillette Advert?’
Week Twenty-Seven
Rich men’s sports: clay pigeon shooting
Dodging rifle fire, sidle up to a nice looking man and say ‘There’s a man over there who keeps shouting “pull” so I thought I’d do as I was told and come and say “hi”.’
Week Twenty-Eight
Wedding
The wedding is the perfect pulling platform. People are dressed up, soaked with champagne and full of love.
Suggested line: ‘Did you know that one in three marriages ends in divorce?’ Men love a challenge.
Week Twenty-Nine
Cricket - Probably The Most Boring Sport In The World TM
Take yourself to a cricket match. Wear a nice pair of knickers.
Sit next to the best looking bloke there. Say ‘Excuse me I’m going to streak in a little while, could I just sit here with you and drink my drink?’ He will definitely make conversation. Then take all your clothes off except your knickers as you have class and run across the pitch. You will get mauled by men in uniforms and then banned from all subsequent games. It is a win-win situation.
Week Thirty
The Beach
The key on the beach is to make sure that he notices you and none of the other 400 semi- naked women there.
Ask ‘Do you mind if I sunbathe topless next to you?’ and then place your towel as near to his as you can, or on top of it. Or if you are feeling energetic: run into the sea and drag a handsome man out of the water. Give him the kiss of life on the sand. When he calls you an ‘unhinged-bat-freak-woman’, act innocent and say, ‘Sorry. I thought you were drowning. My God was that swimming? What were you doing? The doggy paddle?’
Week Thirty-One
Mid-year appraisal
Well done ladies. We’re half way through. How are you doing?
1. Do you still have a liver?
2. Do you still have any money?
If the answer to either of those questions is ‘yes’ all I have to say is ‘You’re just not trying hard enough, are you?’
Week Thirty-Two
Dog walking
Borrow or steal a canine. Run round the park yelling, ‘You’re a frisky one! Just like mummy.’
Week Thirty-Three
Pulling at a Festival
Check the weather forecast. The ideal condition for pulling at a festival is torrential rain. The mud means that they won’t be able to run away very fast.
Suggested chat-up line: ‘It might be the drugs I’m on but you look gorgeous.’
Week Thirty-Four
The moving vehicle: boat
Choose a sunny day and sunbathe on deck in a bikini top. Shout the words ‘Do you know if there’s a pub on board?’ to all men passing. Thus demonstrating that you have breasts and you like pubs. And are therefore an ideal woman.
Week Thirty-Five
Newspaper Lonely Hearts
Suggested response to all men: ‘I loved your ad, “46 year old divorcee, 5 foot 3, rotund physique, works in finance seeks large-breasted 24 year old who can cook.” Brilliant! You really do have a GSOH.’
Week Thirty-Six
Golf
Stand on the putting green wearing heels and an off-the-shoulder top. Watch him pot the ball. Say ‘You are ever so clever. I wish I could get something in the hole.’ Before you know it you’ll be back at his watching the Golf Channel.
Week Thirty-Seven
The Running Club
Handsome, fit men run. So, either embark on a four month regime of running four miles at 6.30 am before joining a running club or simply turn up limping and wincing and ask the good looking ones to demonstrate some advanced groin stretches for you.
Week Thirty-Eight
Fishing
You must go fishing with a copy of a Nigella cookbook. NB. Book must look used and dog-eared. Suggestion: smear it with tomato puree and flour. (Ketchup and cocaine can substituted if more readily available.)
Sit on the bank shrieking ‘golly this is shite, we’ll never be able to make sugar-spiced salmon with Chinese hot mustard if we don’t catch anything.’ Until someone offers you some fish or drowns you on the grounds of noise pollution.
Week Thirty-Nine
Football
Anywhere where football is played = lots of predominantly straight men.
The perfect line to say to a man when watching a football match is ‘Do you play football yourself?’ To which most men will respond, ‘yes I nearly went professional but then I had to give up because of an ankle injury.’ Act fascinated. If this becomes hard simply nod and use words such as ‘wow’ and ‘really’ in any gaps.
Week Forty
The Men’s clothes shop
You must pretend you work in the shop. Approach your subject with ‘Do you need any help?’
Then suggest clothes that would suit him. He will try them on and show you. At which point you will see some fluff on his bottom. Keep stroking his bottom whilst saying ‘you’ve just got a bit of fluff here.’ By the time you get removed by security you will have either snogged him in the changing rooms or done a heroic deed by styling him.
Week Forty-One
A beer festival
Dress like Nancy from Oliver and keep an imitation wedding ring in your pocket. Go to a big beer festival. Men who drink so much that they pass out will be laid around the perimeters. Straddle a good-looking one. While he is unconscious put the ring on your finger and wipe the vomit off him. When he wakes up, show him the ring and say enthusiastically ‘We did it darling! Let’s go and tell mother!’
Week Forty-Two
Art exhibition
Wander around a gallery, DO NOT say, ‘call that art? I’ve seen more creative patterns on a sanitary towel.’ Instead say words like ‘remarkable’ and ‘extraordinary’ very slowly and then shake your head in disbelieving wonder afterwards. Then when you’ve caught his eye say, ‘Are you an artist yourself?’ This will probably give him a small semi and you’ll be on all fours in the disabled loos before you know it.
Week Forty-Three
Library/Bookshop
The great thing about these places is that they are quiet. Therefore if you speak loudly everyone will hear you.
Suggested line to get you noticed: ‘Do you have anything on sex addiction?’
Week Forty-Four
For the next few weeks we’re going to start being a little bit nastier to the opposite sex. We have flattered them enough. It’s time for some tough love. We must insult them in the early stages of conversation thus shattering their self-confidence so that they will be all vulnerable and puppy like in our hands. This tactic was developed by men to use on us. So, be brutal ladies.
Negging Task 1
Halloween
Approach a well dressed handsome man and exclaim loudly, ‘The guy from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Brilliant costume and you did your make up really well.’
Week Forty- Five
Negging task 2
The restaurant
Flag down an attractive man on his way to the toilet and say, ‘Excuse me, can we order?’
Week Forty-Six
Negging Task 3
In the street.
There is nothing a heterosexual man likes to be called less than ‘a girl’ except perhaps ‘a big girl’. So simply approach a chap you like the look of and say ‘Deborah! I haven’t seen you for ages!’
Week Forty-Seven
Time is nearly up
Find and meet Russell Brand.
Week Forty-Eight
Pulling in a supermarket
Show breast like Nigella Lawson. Stand in the wine section and look helpless yet rampant. Say to a nice looking man: ‘Excuse me, I’m having a night in on my own. I’ve made Nigella’s chicken, bacon and mushroom pie (do not change it to anything involving fish - men love pies and chicken) I thought I should have a glass of wine with it. I just don’t have a clue which one to get. Have you tried this Louis Jadot Côtes de Beaune-Villages 2006 Burgundy? By any chance.’
If this fails simply follow men around, look in their baskets and say, ‘Excuse me I was just wondering how you managed to look so good on a diet of Melton Mowbray and Stella?’
Week Forty-Nine
Going for the big guns: The snowboarder
Big gun strategy: Go to a ski resort or dry ski slope.
Wait in the nearest bar to the slopes. Pretend you are a masseuse. Offer shoulder and thigh massages, £15 for 15 minutes. Alternate these two massage styles: kneading the dough and the insane happy hardcore back slap dance routine. Not only do you get your hands on some firm flesh, you will make some Christmas money too. When you get someone you really like you may whisper in their ear, ‘Would you like the happy ending?’
Week Fifty
The office party
Defend the mulled wine from all other women then approach the one available man whose waist size is less than his age. ‘Shall we go to the stationary cupboard and bang our naked loins against some Viking Direct boxes?’
Week Fifty-One
On the train back home for Christmas
Not the sexiest place admittedly. It’s hard to feel horny after bad coffee, a dodgy Croque Monsieur, when there are signal failures outside Croydon and the only available space to fornicate is a small room covered in other people’s wee. Don’t let that put you off though. Trains are moving vehicles so whoever you choose to talk to cannot get away. (Unless he decides to suicidally alight or hijack the vehicle)
Week Fifty-Two
Midnight mass
Run up to anyone, pull the mistletoe out of your pocket and shout ‘Ding Dong’.
Week Fifty-Three
Desperate measures
Find and meet Callum Best or any of Manchester United
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Book publication day post.