18) The End Of Play Party
November 23, 2006
All actresses have crushes on their directors. I had a crush on my director. I harboured day dreams that we would lay entwined of a night talking about how well I bring the words off the page and how we would have a legendary First Night party for the marvellous one woman show he would direct for me. Then three weeks into rehearsal, with eyes brimming with love and a beaming smile he tells me about his boyfriend of three years. I need a gay-dar technician.
However there is an Assistant Director. He is straight. He is lovely. He is gloriously tall and dishevelled. He wears shoes that are falling apart which belonged to his granddad. He is always looking around him on the floor for a tenner he’s lost. Whenever he needs something from his pockets there is a flutter of old receipts and tissues. He carries a dogeared E.M Forster because the way he writes of love is extraordinary. You feel his soul is a mesmerizingly beautiful ramshackle castle on the Cornish coast where poets live and children play.
Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul even likes stars signs. He is a Virgo. Linda Goodman says Leo isn’t good with Virgo. Linda Goodman is an ass. Russell Grant says we might be alright. I suspect Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul doesn’t love me though. He appears quite taken with the two girls who do the lesbian scene in the play.
I love working with Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul. He is a marvellous director. He is a natural at the “stroke then poke” method of giving you notes. The "stroke then poke" method of direction means you are flattered before you are critisized. Some directors just poke. For example, you might do a scene or a speech, a poke director would say something like, “No, no, no, that was the definition of bollocks, I had my hands over my ears for most of it, do it like this.” A stroke and poke director would say, “that was wonderful, what makes you such a remarkable actress is your emotional honesty, I’d love to see you do it again without the Welsh accent and the limp though, if you wouldn’t mind, darling.”
Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul is too young for me. He is so young his wisdom teeth are coming through. Oh God he’s so young he’s teething. When did I get so old?
The producer of the play organizes an end of show night out. It is my chance. I wear my favourite dress. It is a charity shop purchase. It is black and silk and the hem is falling down and I once got it caught on a broken sink so it is ripped. It will go perfectly with Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul's granddad's shoes. One night I was wearing this dress and Beautiful Asian Friend was passing out on my shoulder. She suddenly came to, focused and squealed, “Your dress is Chanel!” “No it’s from the Mind shop” I tell her thinking, bless she’s so tiny and beautiful but has no capacity for tequila. “No look there’s little Chanel icons all over the material.” “Oh there is to!” I weep hugging her.
I put a lot of make-up on as the bar might be dark. The look is “take me to your ramshackle castle and ravage me and you’ll be able to see my glittery eyes if there’s a power cut.”
I find the bar. It’s called the First Out Bar. It is full of women in twos talking and kissing. The only man in the place is a barman wearing a tight T-shirt which reveals his belly ring. Realizing a lesbian bar probably isn’t the best place for a straight spinster, I console myself with the two for one cocktails on offer.
Lovely Gay Director arrives. He tells me I look classy. Gorgeous Gay Actor Who is Soon To Be The Next Jude Law arrives and tells me I look gorgeous. Girls what are we doing? All the best ones are gay.
Two for the price of one cocktails is dangerous and wonderful thing. The bar girl who makes the margaritas is gorgeous and smiles at me. I am just wondering whether I’ll have more luck with women than men when I see Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul arrive. He’s been staying with his mum so he looks all clean. Sensing competition from The Pretty Actresses Who Played The Lesbians In The Play I stop talking to the producer about the play and rush to his side.
“Hello, Lovely, can I get you a drink?” I giggle.
“Pretty Actress Who Played The Lesbian In the Play is already getting me one.”
“Right” I say thinking this is war “I’ll get you two then.”
“Um well, thanks, I better be careful, I haven’t been eating, my tooth’s so painful and I’m on painkillers.”
“It’ll ease the pain.” I smile at him feeling alarmingly maternal.
We stagger to another gay bar when they run out of limes. Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul walks with Pretty Actress Who Played The Lesbian In The Play. I grimace behind them. Then Pretty Actress Who Played The Lesbian In The Play stops to buy a hotdog on the street.
“Urgh, I hope she’s alright tomorrow.” I mouth to him, thinking let him think she'll have a dodgy botty tomorrow and he won’t want to go home with her.
He smiles at me. He is so lovely.
We go into the bar. Bloody Pretty Actress Who Played The Lesbian In The Play buys Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul a glass of white wine. I ponder the fact that white wine probably isn’t the best follow up from tequila based cocktails. Frantically searching for something to say to him I come out with.
“You’re lovely.”
He smiles at me. He is beautiful.
Pretty Actress Who Played The Lesbian In The Play leaves because she is filming first thing in the morning. A good result for Spinster Lucy.
Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul fixes his dreamy eyes on me, smiles and asks me if I want a drink. I imagine us swimming naked in pools in Italy. I notice he is rummaging in his pockets and looking about him on the floor, realizing he has probably lost a tenner I fish into my bra and pull out £20.
“Here you go. Take this.”
He smiles at me. I love him.
He goes to the bar then goes to the loo. He returns looking green.
“Lucy.” He slurs. He shakes his head and smiles.
“Were you sick?” I mouth as though I’m a midwife on Casualty.
He nods and smiles.
For the rest of the night he is unable to do anything except head nodding, head shaking and smiling. I stroke him a lot. There’s something lovely about a gorgeous silent man, even if he does smell slightly of sick.
The club closes. Lovely Gay Director has a twinkle in his eye and shouts,
“Dodgy late night drinking den anyone?”
Two very small Spanish Air Stewards lead us to the dodgiest late night drinking bar available to man. We are led down an alley, we stop outside a camera shop, we knock on an unmarked door, two Spanish men open the door, converse in Spanish, then they eventually nod us in. They lead us down a dark corridor to a dank room selling illegal beer and playing phenomenal Spanish music. I love it. I think it is my spiritual home. I imagine I am a moll with a gun.
I let go of Assistant Director with The Beautiful Soul’s hand. He wanders around smiling and nodding. The Tiny Spanish Air Stewards try to teach me to Spanish dance. They laugh at my lack of rhythm and tell me I’m pretty. I wonder if I could take them home and keep them in a drawer.
We leave. Lovely Gay Director is staying at mine for the night. I don’t want Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul to be on his own in his state. I take him back to mine as well. I set up beds for the overnight boys in my room. Lovely Gay Director passes straight out. I wake up Live In Ex
“Can I sleep in your bed with you? Lovely Gay Director and Assistant Director with the Beautiful Soul are in my room. Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul is unbelievably battered. ”
It is at this point that Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul stands swaying in the doorway. He starts undoing his fly. I am taken aback. Live In Ex Boyfriend suddenly grasps the situation and shouts.
“THIS ISN’T THE TOILET!” he hops out of bed, fisherman pants falling down so I see a bit of bottom, “COME HERE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR WITH THE BEAUTIFUL SOUL, LET’S TAKE YOU TO THE TOILET SHALL WE”
He gets back into bed, looking at me and shaking his head.
“You’ll make such a lovely dad” I tell him.
Assistant Director with the Beautiful Soul returns from the loo and curls up on the bed between me and Live In Ex Boyfriend. Live In Ex Boyfriend looks startled.
Live in Ex Boyfriend whispers
“If he’s sick in the bed I will kill you!”
I smile and coo.
“It’s like we’ve got a little baby.”
“He’s 24, drunk and 6ft 2, Lucy.”
“But he’s so sweet.’
Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul moans and turns over. As he does so the change from my £20 note falls out of his hooded top pocket. Thrilled I scoop it up.
As we all go to sleep I stroke Assistant Director With The Beautiful Soul’s head so that it stops spinning.
There is no moment of unbridled passion.
It is a simple stroke without a poke.
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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November 25, 2006 - hello...
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
another lovely story, beautifully told...now...hmmm...virgo and leo...images of 'pussy mauled by lion'...'helpless christian mercilessly chewed'...bad clash of earth and fire?...leo: warm (of course), generous, bright, misplaced pride, love of people, positive, tender....virgo: sharp, analytical, tidy?!, critical, self-critical, perfectionist, innate innocent...good clash....difference is the heart of creation...it can change the face of everything...speaking as virgo, maybe we should meet?
x
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| Permanent Link
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December 3, 2006 - um...maybe..
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
Dear Virgo Man,
I keep coming back to your message....should we meet?
Yours intrigued
Lucy
PS. are you a man? |
| Permanent Link
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December 4, 2006 - ah, there you are...
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
dear intrigued leo lady,
in answer to your question - yes, definitely a man...a vaguely shambolic scruff of one, but man nonetheless....i also reside in north London...so...could i be cannon fodder for your blog treatment? a date?....what do you think? as your indecision seems to be final...you could put it to a public vote, perhaps...? The Blog Factor....
yours a little apprehensively....
virgo man
ps you are 100% girl, aren't you?
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| Permanent Link
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December 4, 2006 - COME ON!!!
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| The Gospel According to mattslittlesister |
DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know you want to! xx
Ps. Hope you're good Live in Ex?...Busy gal but thinking of you, me and some 10 dernier! xx |
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December 4, 2006 - Do I? He might be a freak...
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
I live in North London and let me tell you there are some astonishing specimens here....we could meet....but you read my blog....what if i don't like you?....i wouldn't want to hurt you by publically lambasting you....just how shambolic are you?...and scruffy?!...i know i wear laddered tights but......also how old are you?... you might be 17....
you write nicely though......hhhmmmmmmm.....ahhhhhhh....help....
and what if you're just psycho...we'd have to meet somewhere public and i'd tell my dad....and Live In EX-Boyfriend works out everyday remember....so no intending to mutilate me......
am i mad?
okay that's my ramble over....
i'm thinking about it.... |
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December 4, 2006 - keep the faith
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| The Gospel According to double D the bride |
| hey luce, love reading your blog, it's a constant source of sunshine to a rather gloomy london!! but i was just wondering why it is that you and your live in ex are not still together?? |
| Permanent Link
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December 5, 2006 - ..not paranoid then?
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
hello leo lady
...so many questions...ok....here goes....yes, i read your blog....if you don't like me? so it goes. public lambasting? my favourite kind...Oscar had it right: there's only one thing worse than being talked about, and that's not being talked about...how shambolic? scruffy? vaguely. how old? more than twice 17...a little older than you, yes. psycho? i promised the parole board i'd never use that excuse again. if you're going to tell your dad anything...tell him he's welcome to come, i'm sure we'd get on great...oh, and live-in ex can take the day off.....
are you mad? mad as a box of frogs, i'd say...i like it... |
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December 5, 2006 - Ahhhh
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
I'd just like to say that Double D The Bride To Be is now Double G The Mother To Be,
Well done to all involved i say! |
| Permanent Link
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December 7, 2006 - ME
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| The Gospel According to Smithy |
| Hi im Craig Smith me m8s call is Smithy. im gay n im lookin for a lad so if u know any1 give is a ring on 07792068940. love u loads lads xxxxxxxxx |
| Permanent Link
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December 7, 2006 - Er...Excuse me Craig Smith...
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
Since when was this a gay pick-up site????
Oh well, good luck to you...i hope you get lots of it....report back if you like... |
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December 8, 2006 - Ah Matts little Sister!
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| The Gospel According to live in ex |
glad to hear your still alive... so when is the next comedy night, I may come and look from the back to see if your all that!! obviously I mean the comedy...
Ah its a busy time for all, is christmas, a crap time too...bah humbug..
Speak again soon, as and when, ill just wear the tights on my head for the time being... do you not have a picture on line somewhere for me to view? although you probably cant say because everyone will see...
Happy Crimbo x |
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December 8, 2006 - Virgo Man
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| The Gospel According to DoctorPauls |
Oh go on, what have you got to lose? Except the cost of a couple of text messages if he turns out to be platform-wearing goth midget's brother.
He's eloquent, amusing and gives an tiny impression of vulnerability. And he's obviously keen but not overly clingy. |
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December 9, 2006 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
lucy lucy lucy....
send the beautiful sounding TORN chanel purchase over for mending you twit.
<tuts. shakes head.>
yours,
couture-seamstress- knitting guru-dresser- buddy ;-) |
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December 14, 2006 - meeeeee
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
www.claiir3-n-kiim-craz33-part33-fr3aks.pizco.com
toor and sign xx |
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January 3, 2007 - Do you know? Please Help
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| The Gospel According to Vanessa White |
Please help us find our family memories. http://vanessawh.tripod.com Any information and help would be appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to view my website. Please pass it on. Others may be able to help. |
| Permanent Link
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January 3, 2007 - Excellent
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Excellent site, thanks!
www.insectstore.com |
| Permanent Link
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January 16, 2007 - 网络推广|Google排名
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| The Gospel According to 网络推广 |
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February 27, 2007 - Hello
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| The Gospel According to playboy |
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February 27, 2007 - Hello
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| The Gospel According to playboy |
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June 19, 2007 - Cock
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| The Gospel According to luke_vass@fsmail.net |
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June 19, 2007 - Cock
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| The Gospel According to luke_vass@fsmail.net |
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June 19, 2007 - cock
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
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June 19, 2007 - Homosexuality
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| The Gospel According to luke_vass@fsmail.net |
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June 30, 2007 - Smoking ban stupid comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Comment made to local press Shropshire Star @
http://www.shropshirestar.co.uk/2007/06/college-bans-smoking-outside/
Headline: College bans smoking outside
Shrewsbury College will outlaw smoking anywhere on its premises when the ban comes into force on July 1, it announced today.It means more than 10,000 students, staff and visitors will not be allowed to light up anywhere in the grounds, including on car parks and in parked cars.
Richard Banks, human and physical resources director at Shrewsbury College, said: “If inhaling someone else’s cigarette smoke is bad for you indoors, IT IS BAD FOR YOU OUTDOORS.
How does this work then?
Is this the most stupid thing you've heard? |
| Permanent Link
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July 5, 2007 - wow powerleveling
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
<p>World of Warcraft Powerleveling is our primary service, and is on sale now for a limited time! You can purchase our service at a much lower price than any of our competitors. We don't use any Bots or Macros <br>
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July 6, 2007 - wow powerleveling
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
IF you want to buy wow powerleveling,you can go to
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October 24, 2007 - hello
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| The Gospel According to Marios |
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| Permanent Link
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May 11, 2008 - hello
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| The Gospel According to Aage |
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| Permanent Link
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May 12, 2008 - BEST
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| The Gospel According to Aagnia |
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