19) The VIP Screening Of A Boy Movie
December 6, 2006
I have never seen a Star Wars movie. When I tell this fact to my girl friends they say “never mind it’s about this bloke Luke something or other and has light sabres in it which are quite cool and would look quite nice in your lounge. What are you wearing to so and so’s birthday on Saturday?” When I say this simple fact to men they look at me with pity and disbelief as though I’d said What’s Lager?
Some movies interest boys and often those movies hold about as much appeal to girls as stepping on a wasp’s nest and then disembowelling a squirrel.
Normally if a boy movie is on the telly I yell, “What’s this animated, mindless violent, sci-fi crap! I don’t want to watch this. I think I’ll try to get the hard skin off my feet instead.” I realize I have been single for two and half years. I must mend my ways. I must learn to love the other darker side that is Man.
Beautiful Asian Friend likes boy films. She knows all about Marvel cartoon heroes. She even owns a company, which employs graffiti artists to paint huge pictures of comic book images. She is both cool and beautiful. She is so beautiful that when we were recently at Male Friend’s gig, Male Friend came off stage, flustered. He said he had been distracted from his guitar playing by her beauty and the sight of her brown skin in that backless top. Then he groaned.
By rights I should hate her but her smile is like sunshine and it makes the world a better place.
One day I am lounging in her rooftop office talking about food allergies. I am glued to the sight of a 6’3, 23-year-old American Football player painting a Mr Fantastic frieze in his vest. Beautiful Asian Friend suddenly says.
“I’m invited to a VIP screening of a movie called B********* next week, it’s at some swanky place in Soho, do you want to come?”
. I surreptitiously wipe some drool off my chin before I answer.
“Sounds awful. Is it about killer bees or something?”
“I guess so. But these things are always full of lovely men.”
“Lovely men!” I finally drag my eyes away from the graffiti artists amazing forearms, “What shall we wear?”
I am about to meet a marvellous man who works in the film industry. I am thrilled. I buy a new dress. Actually I buy two new dresses. I love dresses. One day I will have a room filled with dresses. I will talk to them and play music to them and spray Fabreze on them everyday. It is important to have ambition.
I do something extraordinary. I try on the dresses and buy them. I do not call a friend to join me and give me their opinion of the dress in exchange for wine or coffee. I must trust my own judgement. I am thirty now.
I dress in the less sluttish of the two new dresses. I spend hours trying to find a pair of tights without a ladder. I eventually find a pair of ladder less tights. I go to the toilet before leaving the house. I pull my tights up. I ladder them in two places. I loathe tights with all my being. I would wear stockings but they don’t hold your bottom in. Winter is a trying time for women. I leave the house in laddered tights. The look is “ Off Duty Movie Star From The Waist Up And Someone Who Gives Blowjobs For Money From The Waist Down.”
I am slightly on edge. This is the first outing of the new dress. It is of paramount importance that someone says something along the lines of “That is the most beautiful dress in the whole universe and you look like a Goddess in it!” If not I shall doubt my judgement and never wear the dress again.
We arrive at a very nice hotel.
We are given name badges. Mine says Leila Diana. I look at Beautiful Asian Friend.
“Ooops, the invite was for Leila but she couldn’t come, forgot to tell you.”
“Leila! I love my new name. I sound sophisticated and rampant!”
We have to sign some forms, which say not to mention ever on pain of death that we have seen this movie.
It doesn’t mention anything about blogging; legally I should get away with it.
I really want to ask Beautiful Asian Friend if she likes my dress. If I do I know she’ll say something like “Yes it’s lovely!” I’ll know then that she hates it and thinks it makes me look fat.
“Tea and coffee are over there.” A formal looking woman informs us.
“Tea and coffee!!” Beautiful Asian Friend and I mouth to each other in disgust.
We bypass tea and coffee. We find the bar and buy wine. A Handsome Man With Incredibly Thick Hair appears.
“Drinking already?” He says before introducing himself.
“I’m Lucy, I mean Leila…bugger, I’m not sure who I am today….You’ve got incredibly thick hair.” I say thinking, Come on Lucy. You should have said, “Do you know anything about The Audi 8 Series, I’m thinking of purchasing one this afternoon?” or something equally man-magnetic.
Handsome Man With The Incredibly Thick Hair looks a bit startled then smiles, “I’m Tina really, ignore the name badge. And yes, my hair is a nightmare, I have to put loads of product on it or it becomes a mad Afro.” He’s gorgeous, he’s funny and he talks about hair products! I think excitedly.
“There’s nothing wrong with mad Afros.” Says Beautiful Asian Friend. She smiles. He gazes. I know he is lost to me forever.
“Let’s go and watch this kids movie shall we.” He says touching Beautiful Asian Friend’s back slightly.
“Kids movie?”
“Yeah it’s a DreamWorks movie for kids.”
“Brilliant! I thought it was some crappy boy movie like Robocop or something.”
“I love Robocop.” Says Handsome Man With The Incredibly Thick Hair. Another man overhears this and claps him on the shoulder with a loud, ‘Robocop, great movie.’ Before we know it they’re on to Thunderbirds and Rocky.
“Boring!’ I whisper to Beautiful Asian Friend, “Shall we talk about boys and shopping.”
We watch the movie. It’s bloody brilliant. I would tell you about it but a big fat American movie mogul might sue me or shoot me or something.
We emerge from the screening room back into the bar.
A very well meaning but slightly boring woman who doesn’t stop talking buys us a drink. Very Well Meaning But Quite Boring Woman glances at the bill, realizes that the cost of her round of drinks could feed and clothe an African country for a year and embarks on a never-ending tirade about it. I attempt to cut her off by saying “I love your dress.” I am hoping she’ll say, “I love yours too”. She doesn’t. Instead she starts to lambaste service charge on bills.
“We really should mingle.” Smiles Beautiful Asian Friend and leads me away.
We stand near Handsome Man With the Incredibly Thick Hair. He is trying very hard not to look at Beautiful Asian Friend. He fails. He joins us.
“So what did you think of the movie?”
“Brilliant. I think it’s got all the mass market appeal of Toy Story and the intelligent humour of Shrek.” Says Beautiful Asian Friend. God, she’s good. I think.
“Did you enjoy it?” he asks me.
“Mmmm. It was really funny.” I stutter. I am just cursing myself for being as articulate as a gnat when Very Well Meaning But Quite Annoying Woman approaches us in her coat to say goodbye. Relieved we both smile brilliantly, Beautiful Asian Friend says,
“Oh are you going so soon. I was going to buy you a drink. It was very nice to meet you.”
Very Well Meaning But Quite Annoying Woman suddenly takes her coat off and says.
“Oh well then. If you insist I’ll have a beer.”
She introduces herself to Handsome Man With The Incredibly Thick Hair. I join Beautiful Asian Friend at the bar.
“Don’t leave him with her. He’ll die.” She scolds me.
“He’s a big boy. He’s quite fit. I think he luuurves you.”
“I think he’s luuuuurrrrvllly.’
“Do you? Oh my god. He loves you too. You’ll probably get married. I love a wedding!” I yelp thinking, blinding, finally a wedding I can pull at!
Beautiful Asian Friend returns to him smiling. He whispers in her ear,
‘I can’t believe you left me with that woman. I think she might have talked me to death.”
“You look nicely alive to me.” Beautiful Asian Friend is a master of seduction I must watch and learn.
“I hope you didn’t pay the service charge.” Pipes up Very Well Meaning But Annoying Woman.
I vow to listen to the mad woman’s service charge lecture so that they can consolidate their friendship. It is going very well. He buys us all a drink. I think he’s the perfect man for Beautiful Asian Friend. I watch her. She glows as she speaks to him. As I am watching her I suddenly hiccup. Everyone looks at me.
“Sorry. I haven’t eaten today. Wine in the daytime and all that.” I say before hiccupping again.
“That’s so interesting. My wife is Italian and she wouldn’t dream of drinking on an empty stomach.” Says Handsome Man With The Incredibly Thick Hair. I want to say You can shove your Italian wife up your arse you shameless flirt. We’ve been talking to you because we thought you were single. Now all the other good-looking men have gone home and you drop this bombshell. I don’t. I just hiccup again. Very well meaning lady offers me some nuts. I decide she’s quite nice after all.
“You’re not wearing a wedding ring.” I say with just a little too much venom.
“Well, we’ve been together 14 years. We’re not married but I call her my wife.”
There is a big unvoiced “Humph” emanating from me and Beautiful Asian Friend.
“I should go now. Goodbye Tina.” I say in a tone that shows he has crossed me forever.
I have to leave. I am going to a concert with Older Man Favourite Customer. I am very excited. Everyone in London seems to want to be going to this concert. I think the tickets sold out in about fourteen minutes. I sit on the train. I look down at my pretty dress. No one loves you I mouth to it sadly.
I arrive at Older Man Favourite Customer’s house. He opens the door and gives me a big hug. Then he holds me away from him and looks at me.
“I do like your dress.” He smiles.
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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December 6, 2006 - Yeah to the dress!!
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| The Gospel According to mattslittlesister |
| I can't believe you left that little tidbit of info about Older man favourite customer until the very end!!! Hope it all went well? and I love the fact that he loved your dress? No doubt an extremely stylish man!? i also agree with you about Beautiful Asian friend's smile...She warms my cockles too....xx |
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December 6, 2006 - typical man!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
hi
i just spent my last three hours at work reading your whole blog ;) dont tell my boss tho. you really make me laugh. isnt that sooo typical? wait til the last minute to tell you hes married. bad man. are you going to go out with virgo man? he sounds nice, hes funny. hope hes not married tho
saffy x ;)
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December 7, 2006 - Saffy, about your work output....
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I was recently concerned about your application to work and asked a colleague whether you were experiences any difficulties in the work arena. I was told that you had taken to reading mindless twiddle on the world wide web. After tracking the recent web activity on your computer I find you have been on this Spinster's site.
I have therefore taken the initiative of booking you on a course called How To Cleanse Yourself Of Reading Internet Gossip and Reach Your True Corporate Potential, it will be held in Slough West this weekend starting at 7am.
in the meantime
GET BACK TO WORK
The Boss |
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December 7, 2006 - i admit i'm tempted....
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
do i meet Virgo Man really? ladies would you? i suppose it's no weirder than meeting someone from Dating Direct.....
Virgo Man if you were a biscuit what biscuit would you be?
If you were an alcoholic beverage what alcoholic beverage would you be?
what was the last insult someone hurled at you?
do you know any jokes?
and are you clean? |
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December 7, 2006 - god, your entry tests are tough!
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| The Gospel According to virgo man |
hello lucy leo
k....here goes....
if i was a biscuit? my first thought was a Bonio - yes, yes, i know, it's a dog biscuit, but it is a biscuit of distinction. it has all the qualities one looks for...if you ever saw the smile on my Dyl's face when he got one of those....ok, scrap that.....seriously now, i consulted the Royal Biscuit Society and, according to the position of the stars on my birthday, they think i might be plain chocolate digestive rising - bear with me here...sounds a little prosaic, i know. but you know what? a coating of darkness, crumbly and soft underneath....phew! one down...
if i was an alcoholic beverage? well, where to begin? there are so many flash cocktails out there...i like drinking them, sure, but it's just not me...um...dum-di-dum...give us a sec...ah....yes...if i was an alcoholic beverage i would almost certainly be a bottle of Galius Saint-Emilion Grand Cru 2001...open, decant, swirl, allow to breathe...you'll know when to consume...goddam this is tough!
the last insult someone hurled at me? 'where the fuck have you been you useless cunt?' i swear that's the truth...it was my insurance broker....he's really quite nice though...my accountant would most likely concur...
jokes? ...a husband comes home, drunk as a skunk, a duck cradled under his arm.
the drunk husband's wife ambushes him in the hallway...
drunk husband: this is the pig i've been fuckin....
wife: that's not a pig, that's a duck...
drunk husband: who's talkin' to you?
am i clean? what kind of ridiculous question is that?!!
so honey, when do i get my results? x
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December 8, 2006 - Great balls of fire!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Suck eggs....just felt like saying that! great blog girl, love reading about your adventures. Keep them up or keep it up whichever you prefere! sounds like older man could be the one to whisk you into a saucepan mmmmmmm we shall see, although we have a contender, not sure he's the right biscuit or in fact the right beverage, maybe you should find out, a blind date is the order of the day ?????
Just be sure to let someone know where your going. Enjoy and look forward to reading all. |
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December 8, 2006 - whatever you do, don't step on a garibaldi
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
hello
last night i dreamed i was walking naked through a biscuit minefield in a bonio forest with a duck under my arm and all i could think was 'don't step on a garibaldi'. what the hell does that mean? |
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December 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to double G the mother to be |
let me start by saying , i can't believe that you have never seen star wars, it is my fav of all triolgy's, pure pleasure!!! i have them on tape we will have a arvo of binge eating and star wars!!! oooohhhh food me love food!!
as for your love life why don't you give virgo man a go, it can't hurt , i recommened going to george's wine bar , but get there early or all the good seats will go!! l |
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December 11, 2006 - Then Older Man flung off his vest . . .
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
That was just getting interesting. Did Older Man Favourite Customer succumb to your charms and carry you off to the boudoir for a bit of humpty-dumpty? I hate these cliff-hanger endings and can't wait for the next part. Classy blog. This is a bit of me, this is. I've got you bookmarked, love.
Jens
that-uk-girl.blogspot.com |
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December 12, 2006 - I just love you blog!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I spent all evening reading your adventures - I just love how you tell your stories - I'm on pins and needles waiting for your next post...
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December 12, 2006 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Jack Pandemian |
| Splendid. Just splendid! |
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25) Guardian Soulmates Online