20) Watching Live-In-Ex-Boyfriend Play Football
January 4, 2007
One day I am lying in the bath. I am wondering why my feet look as though they belong to a 93 year old man with jaundice. I look above me at a sea of live In Ex Boyfriend’s washing dangling on the clothes line above my head. The washing is all red. It is a set of football kits. I imagine that the football team is wearing the kits and I am lying beneath them. It is an alarming but not un-arousing picture. I am enjoying it. Live In Ex suddenly knocks on the bathroom door.
“Luce are you going to be much longer? I’m off to play football in minute. I need to get the kits.”
“Who do you play football with?” I ask so I can get a better image in my mind.
“They’re all Italian stockbrokers.”
“You play football with 13 Italian Stockbrokers!” I scream with delight.
“There are 11 in a football team, Luce.”
“Are they really Italian?” my picture is now a work of art.
“Are you getting out or what?”
I get out of the bath. I get tangled in shorts and shirts. Out of the bath my feet don’t look nearly so yellow. It must have been the glow from the football kits. I am relieved.
I help Live In Ex Boyfriend fold the football kits. I smile at the thought of the hairy calves going into those red socks and the broad shoulders fitting into the red acrylic shirts. I blush as I fold the shorts.
“Can I watch you play football one day?”
“You hate football.”
“I love football.”
“Yeah come next time if you want.”
“Can I pretend I’m doing a documentary and bring a video camera and come into the showers.”
“You’re twisted.”
“Are there any nice ones?”
“You might like Luca.”
“Lucy and Luca.” I sigh. “I can’t believe you never told me you played with Italian stockbrokers.”
“You never asked. Bye.”
I love Italians. They like women with meat on them. I am slightly worried that my passion for football only extends to the World Cup though. Recently Older Man Favourite Customer offered to cook me dinner after a day of waitressing torture at my arty café. He said, “Come round after work, you can meet my friend, we’ll watch the game, then I’ll cook us a nice organic chicken.”
I arrive at his house. I dodge under the screen to get to an empty sofa saying “Great, I don’t watch football very often but I warn you, when I do I get very excited!”
Then I promptly fall asleep.
I wake up an hour later with Older Man Favourite Customer’s Friend standing over me shouting “It was nice to meet you!” I am mortified. I fall back to sleep. Older Man Favourite Customer puts a blanket over me and turns the fire on. Then he wakes me up later to eat a marvellously juicy roast organic chicken and drink phenomenal wine.
On day 12 of making Live-In Ex Boyfriend’s life unbearable talking in a mock Italian accent about the Stockbroker Footballers he finally snaps.
“You can come. But you have to promise.
1) no saying “caio”, or mentioning pasta and absolutely no attempting to talk in an Italian accent.
2) no screaming and putting us off. “They’re just men in shorts, Luce!”
3) no pretending you have any knowledge about football, “if I hear you say nice pass, nice tackle, nice anything I’ll kill you!”
I have never seen live In Ex being so masterful. He looks quite hot when he’s being firm.
Live In Ex says he’ll take me on his scooter to the game. I have two problems with the scooter.
1) he drives it like he’s a Brazilian gangster on the run.
2) I can’t get on it in a tight skirt.
I spend ages getting ready. I want to look as though I’ve decided on the spur of the moment to come to the game and not as though I’ve been engineering it for a fortnight. I have an old T-shirt with a football on it and the words “Fucking Love It.” Men generally love this T-shirt because it makes my breasts look massive and it mentions football. I have told no one that I bought it because they had sold out of the ones that said “Fucking Hate It”.
I wear this T-shirt with a pair of jeans. They are not skinny jeans. Skinny jeans make my legs look like someone put a haggis in denim. I meant to diet into a pair of skinny jeans when they came into fashion but I’ve been too distracted by food for the last 18 months. I muse that jeans and a T-shirt isn’t very WAG and I put on loads of make-up, hoop earings and a jaunty cap. Now we’re talking. The look is “Matt Lucas Dressing Up As Victoria Beckham And Pulling It Off Quite Well.”
Live In Ex comes home to pick me up. He looks at the words on my T-shirt.
“Hmmm. That’s not entirely true, is it?”
“You’re cruel to doubt my allegiance to this sport. Now, don’t forget to introduce me to Luca and don’t head butt anyone.”
“I’ll head butt you if you don’t shut up.” He says handing me a helmet.
Bollocks I think taking my cap off and ruining my hair with the bloody helmet.
We arrive at the pitch. Live In Ex is cross with me because I repeatedly shouted the word “SLOWER” in his ear all the way. He disappears to get changed. I stand alone, lit very unflatteringly by floodlights.
Suddenly a talk dark curly haired young man darts on the pitch and starts doing stuff with his knees and a football. He spots me and comes over. He stands in front of me and grins for what seems like 5 minutes. He looks wild and unhinged, just how I like them. “Caio” I say grinning stupidly back at him and checking that Live In Ex isn’t around.
“Caio bellissima” he drawls at me.
Blimey I’m going to create season tickets for this and flog them to all my girlfriends, this is the route to wealth and sex I’ve been looking for I am thinking when Live In Ex appears, slapping Wild Unhinged Italian God on the back and nearly winding him. They start passing the ball to each other. Wild Unhinged Italian God catches my eye and winks at me. Live In Ex spots this and mouths the word “behave” to me.
Lots of other men appear some in green and at some point the game starts. It’s pretty dull I must admit. Live In Ex is really good though. He scores a goal and all the ones in red go a bit homosexual over him. The tastiest one is definitely Wild Unhinged Italian God. He is very passionate about football it seems and often waves his arms around and spits out Italian expletives when something happens he doesn’t like. I am wondering if he does this in the course of his daily life. How would he react if we were out for a romantic dinner and his pasta sauce was a bit cold, would he hurl it across the room and spit at the waiter. I am just imagining this when I notice that Live In Ex is on the floor groaning. Now I have seen Live In Ex behave in this way with a cold, pins and needles and a gnat bite so I am not initially concerned. But when two other players help him off the pitch I realize he might actually be in proper pain rather than Man Pain.
Live In Ex hobbles up to me in normal clothes and tells me he’s booked a cab to take us home. He really is in pain and doesn’t say much all the way home.
“At least you scored a goal.” I offer to cheer him up.
“I’ll go home and put my leg up and watch the Man U match on telly.”
We go home. Live In Ex has taken pain killers and is having a sleep before the game starts. Older Man Favourite Customer calls.
“Are you free tonight?” he asks.
“Um, I guess so” I reply looking at Live In Ex as he snores on the sofa.
“Can I take you out for dinner. I was thinking about this lovely local restaurant.”
“Hmm, that sounds perfect.” I say.
“I’ll pick you up at eight.”
I put on a nice dress for the evening.
I start to think. It would appear that I am seeing Older Man Favourite Customer. He is really rather wonderful and he spoils me rotten, but he is a lot older than me, precisely how much I do not know. At what point is someone too old for you?
I recently said to one wise friend
“What do you think about seeing someone a lot older than you?”
“Just look at Des O’Conner, he’s in his 70’s and his wife is in her 30’s” She said
“I can think of few things worse than looking at Des O’Connor.” I responded and there the conversation ended.
It is a situation that seems to demand enjoying it for what it is. However if things continue, I will at some point have to deal with some quite huge issues. He is a minimum of 20 years older than me and he has been married and has grown up children. Will they loathe me? Will him meeting my friends and vice versa be weird? Also I want to have children if I can and he’s already done all that.
The other slight problem I have is that I am currently on a mission to explore 50 ways to meet a lover. Do I tell him about this blog? Would he think it the most frivolous thing he’d ever heard of? What if I stop here and he’s not the right one? What about The One? What about…? What if….?
Oh God! Shut up Lucy you’re just going for dinner.
I leave a note and a sandwich for Live In Ex and I tip toe out of the flat.
I silently close the door on all the “what ifs” that had been screaming.
I have a lovely evening.
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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January 4, 2007 - Chuff me!
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| The Gospel According to Rob |
What if the blog stops at 21 ways and has to be renamed for posterity???
Look at it this way - 21's a nice number too and would look good as a title if converted into a romantic comedy starring Kate Beckinsale and Jeremy Irons... |
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January 4, 2007 - Kate Beckinsdale!!!????
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
Kate Knobbing Wanking Bloody Beckinsdale!!!!!!
what about me??? me to play me....and if you're casting Jeremy Irons i think it should be filthy rather than a nice romantic comedy. |
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January 5, 2007 - Maybe not Kate then...
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| The Gospel According to Rob |
Come on Luce, even Tina Turner didn't get to play herself. (or Jim Morrisson, but he complicated matters, what with dying an'all.)
I agree though, it should be 'filthy as.' |
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January 8, 2007 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to an edinburgh goldfish |
| Just discovered this blog via chickyog.net. I'll be reading it with much interest in future, as I'm single, 28 and also living with an ex-boyfriend. It's always good to read about someone carrying out active research in the field! |
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January 12, 2007 - You're gonna be famous!!
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| The Gospel According to mattslittlesister |
So i'm sat eating my paupers lunch at work, reading a tatty old copy of London Lite when i start to read the blog bit...'Hang on' i think, 'I've already read this...But i can't of because it's yesterdays and i didn't leave the house yesterday'....Then i read the title and realise it's YOURS!!!! OH MY GOD!! I was so excited...I had been meaning to tell you about that bloggy thing in the paper for ages as you can vote for your favourite or vote for your own - And you were in it.
You're gonna be the next 'girl with a one track mind', you'll get a book deal and millions of dollars, The BBC will ask you to be in their new comedy series but you can't do it because ITV have already asked you to do a 3 part drama series million dollar deal with Robson Greene....You reject it all to live and write beautifully in the countryside....in your mansion...with your four dogs....just you and older man favourite customer....
So very proud Ms. Lucy....hope to meet you soon...Love matts little sister xx
Ps. Love to LIE xx |
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January 12, 2007 - Am I like famous??
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
Hello Matt's Little Sister,
Thank you for alerting me to my words being in print...I didn't see it which is a wank....
(probably not the best term to use as a wank would imply pleasure and I would have liked to see my words in print.... I should really stop using the "wank" word constantly...although I did say recently to a male friend "Bugger I've got to do my wanking tax this month" and he replied "just as well they don't have a wanking tax or I'd be in exile" which made me laugh.....)
I'd love to meet you...we must do so, with Live In Ex along too, I think you are both intrigued.........
By the way, Belle De Jour is filthy isn't she??
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January 12, 2007 - Belle du jour?
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| The Gospel According to mattslittlesister |
| Is Belle du Jour 'girl with a one track mind'? I love her...When I read her book I didn't take my hands out of my pants for 4 nights!!...She's awesome! The book has done the rounds with all my girly friends too. I will run back to work tomorrow and fish my London Lite copy out of the recylcing bin, I shall iron it and save it for when I see you. Would love to meet the intrigued LIE but Boys are off the menu for me for 2007 I'm afraid...I can't make them work properly.....How is older man favourite customer? We can tell you like him because you don't talk about much?!?!...xxx |
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January 13, 2007 - manhunt
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I have the man for you.
He is an artist. he paints things in oils in his lovely, presumably messy studio and sells them to rich people and hotels and things. Also he paints with a pseudoname (which is think is romantic and enigmatic) and those pictures are all heart and soul and poetry. He has wild Byronic hair and a filthy wit. I don't know if he loves theatre but I made him see a play I was in recently and he had raucous fun and said all the rights things after. His friends are all kind and fun. He has disasterous dating stories and lets his pals laugh at him. He used to race motor bikes. I'd do him but I've got a chap already.
how can I get him to you?
j -
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January 13, 2007 - Hmmmm....
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
| Wild Byronic hair and a filthy wit.....he sounds marvellous... |
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January 14, 2007 - Lord Byron
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
http://www.myspace.com/benjaminbrand
If it works out I want dibs on the sreenplay.
xj |
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June 8, 2009 - Everyday.
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Dear Spinster,
Hi My Name Is Amber And I'm 10 years old,
This mighy shock you but i've actually read your book,
I LOVE IT SO MUCH!
My favourite person is probs you!
Even though your not actually called Sarah Sargeant,
So I may aswell call you luce,
Anyways,
You probley here the same thing everyday on your blog,
But, Your just absoloutely AMAZING!
I really love you and Si,
The parts I found the most were when you were doing that lonely hearts ad,
and Si came in shouting well,
You know what..(COCKS)
xD And also when Nikki's sick landed on Carlos & Julia shrieking:
I've got Big Daddy - LET'S GO.
I just love your book so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wish I could meet you in person, You just sound lovely.
You probley think I sound sad :l
But My real age is 10!
:)
Anyway, I finished your book today in the morning and I felt so sad reading about how Si went to brazil, and staying there :(
Anyway,
I have to ask is your book actually
REAL REAL REAL!?
I hope it is,
I hope to see another book (:
Love Amber.
xoxoxo :)
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