21) The Intro
January 15, 2007
“I would like to say in my defence, your honour, that I was going to tell Older man Favourite Customer about my blog at some point, I just hadn’t got around to it yet... honest.”
When I was 10 I had to do a project about the Egyptians in the school holidays. On the day before term started I played on my bike, I tidied up my fuzzy felt drawer, I made a camp in the garden, I sat in it for two hours while it rained, I decided to teach myself to iron then I finally cleaned out the rabbit’s hutch. It was only when mum sensed something was wrong and threatened to confiscate my puffball skirt that I sat down and drew some pyramids.
Some people get unpleasant tasks out of the way. Some people dally and avoid them for months. It is safe to say I am a master of procrastination. The only time I ever clean my bathroom is when I should be doing my tax.
One day I am having lunch with my beautiful niece. My Beautiful Niece is truly beautiful. She’s 23, which is one reason I don’t like her very much, she’s funny, clever, organized, she already has a good job in beauty PR, she drives a brand new mini, and she has a small bottom. When I look at her I feel that my sole purpose on this planet has been to demonstrate to the younger members of my family what not to turn out like.
Beautiful Niece With The Small Bottom has just split up with a boyfriend. She moans about now being pursued by most of the male population. Suddenly Older Man Favourite Customer calls.
“Hello, gorgeous! Are you in The West End?”
“Yes, I’m with my Beautiful Niece and her tiny bottom and she’s eating a burger and there’s no justice in the world.” I reply.
“I may join you for a few minutes if that’s alright.”
“Lovely!” I squeal in terror. Meeting the family!
Older Man Favourite Customer breezes in and is funny and charming. Beautiful Niece With The Small Bottom tells him all about bad skin products and good skin products. He manages to look riveted. I am smiling warmly, mentally logging the fact that I should stop buying my beauty supplies from the pound shop, when I hear her say,
“Yes, I waited outside Robbie William’s hotel for four hours to give him a press pack.”
Older Man favourite Customer laughs. This is going rather well I think, but no, Beautiful Niece With The Small Bottom has to carry on.
“I wanted Lucy to come with me, she used to have this HUGE crush on him.” No need for that is there, Beautiful Niece With the Small Bottom? I’m trying to cultivate an image of cultured sophistication for this man.
“She could have put it in her blog!”
I laugh fondly whilst giving Beautiful Niece With The Small Bottom eye contact which says I will take all your shoes and burn them.
Amazingly Older Man favourite Customer hasn’t noticed. He’s doing one of those in the air squiggles to a blank looking waiter. Phew that was close I think sweating slightly. I give Older Man Favourite Customer a big kiss as Beautiful Niece leaves so that he doesn’t see her Small Bottom and suggest I go the gym. He puts his arm around me.
“So…. “he says looking into my eyes.
“So…” I say, looking minxy.
“Miss Blog?!”
Bollocks I think.
“Oh, it’s just this girly thing I’ve been writing.” I stammer.
“Tell me about it?”
“Oh, um, er, shall we make a move?” I say. I am aware that I have just been awarded the title of Crappest Conversaton Deflector.
‘Why don’t you want to tell me about it?” he asks looking quite concerned.
“I think you’ll think it’s frivolous….I’ve been single for a long time and I’ve been going out and trying to meet men and writing about it.” I mumble to my lap.
Older Man Favourite Customer looks baffled then amused then appalled.
“I didn’t want you to see it, because we’re just getting to know each other, and it reveals a lot about me.” I say feeling about 10 years old again. Then I suddenly have a brain wave.
“Come with me a minute.” I lead him to Waterstones. I show him a book called The Blog Digest 2007. I have two stories in this book. Despite the fact that they are about me failing completely to pull I am quite proud of the fact that something I have written is in print. I show him the stories. He reads them very quickly. They don’t mention him. This is a cunning tactic on my part. He looks at me.
“They’re well written….”
“Thanks.” I say knowing that something else is coming and fearing it.
“I always have so many scripts to read every day though, so forgive me, but I probably won’t read your blog.”
“Oh, don’t be silly I wouldn’t expect you to.” I giggle hugging him.
“I’m not in it, am I? he chuckles.
I chuckle.
He chuckles.
Oh how we chuckle!
Bugger!
The actual bit about pulling in the workplace is coming very shortly, I just have to go and see Live In Ex in a movie now.....
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25) Guardian Soulmates Online