Older Man Favourite Customer meets Live In Ex Boyfriend
January 26, 2007
this has nothing to do with pulling.....it was a surreal incident which i felt should be shared....hope you don't mind...
Whenever I’m ‘down, in trouble or I need a helping hand’, I ask Live In Ex Boyfriend for his opinion. Live In Ex Boyfriend is a fountain of knowledge and wisdom and I am very lucky to have him in my life. I am currently sheepish about not having told Older Man Favourite Customer about my blog and my hitherto quite massive crush on The One.
Live In Ex Boyfriend takes my hand. He sits me on the sofa. He makes me a cup of herbal tea as we are out of milk, and he says
“ First thing’s first, opinions are like arseholes……..everyone’s got one….but if you want to know what I think… COMMUNICATION, LUCY! We don’t do enough of it in relationships. He’s never even been here. He’s never even seen how you live. Come on invite him over.”
“But I’m trying to cultivate an aura of cultured sophistication for this man!” I protest.
He laughs at me.
He is an arse.
I have never invited Older Man Favourite Customer in to see my flat because that would first entail tidying my flat. I have been meaning to tidy my room recently in anticipation of this event. I have even taken the primary steps of room tidying which are;
1) picking up everything on my floor and putting it on my bed.
2) hanging up a few items of clothing,
3) getting bored
4) going out,
5) coming home,
6) needing to go to bed
7) moving everything that is on my bed back on to the floor again.
Apparently the state of your room reflects the state of your mind. My mind therefore is a huge dirty pile of crap.
In addition to my personal space hygiene, I live with an ex boyfriend who often wears only his pants while he practises his break-dancing moves. Older Man Favourite Customer lives in a beautiful house, and he doesn’t have an ex-girlfriend sleeping on his sofa, or if he does she is very small and never break dances because I have never seen her. His mind therefore is a place of uncluttered immaculate beauty.
Generally therefore I spend time at his house.
One night Older Man Favourite Customer takes me out for the night near my house. I remember Live In Ex Boyfriend’s wise words. I remember also that I have a book case full of books, that fact alone will make me appear cultured. I take a deep breath and I say,
“Would you like to see my flat?”
“Finally!” he sighs, smiling at me.
“It’s not tidy or anything. There’s a lot of stuff on my bed.” I add quickly.
“Will I get to meet Live in Ex Boyfriend?” he wonders.
“Bummer, not tonight, he’s out. He’s really busy at the moment with a new business venture.” I say.
I remember the communication lecture. I wonder whether to mention the nature of this business venture. I decide not to. There’s only so much communication that you should do when trying to cultivate a cultured aura of sophistication for a man.
So I unlock the door. I push very hard on the door but something is against it the other side.
“What the bloody hell’s behind the door.” I say pushing really hard and hoping it’s not Live In Ex in a yoga pose. Eventually I create a small gap and Older Man Favourite Customer and I squeeze into the flat.
“Oh!” I squeal excitedly, realizing what the obstacle was, “The cocks have arrived.”
“The wha??” he stutters in amazement, incredulously viewing the scene.
“I’ve never seen so many willies.” I giggle.
“No.” says Older Man Favourite Customer, in firm agreement.
My hallway is full of cardboard boxes which contain a new drink called Cockalada. Cockalada is a tequila based drink served in the shape of a cock. This is Live In Ex Boyfriend’s new business venture. “Selling the cock” as he calls is. He has even written a jingle to advertise the cock drink. It goes “cock-a-lada” “cock-a-lada” “everyone loves the cock.” It’s very catchy. He is going to dress up like a Mexican and sing this in a dodgy Mexican accent for a viral ad.
“Cocka-lada, Cocka-lada. Everyone loves the cock.” I sing for Older Man Favourite Customer, doing a little dance.
He looks horrified.
Bugger, the boxes full of cocks are completely obscuring my books! I am thinking when the sound of loud jungle music starts coming from the living room. I grimace. I am not a big fan of jungle.
Then the mc-ing starts.
It becomes apparent that Live In Ex Boyfriend is in and is practising his freestyling. This surprises me as I wasn’t aware he did this. Live In Ex Boyfriend should practise his freestyling more often as he is bloody awful.
“Don’t wake up the neighbours! Don’t wake up the neighbours!” he drones. Then a beautiful female voice starts singing over the top. Live In Ex Boyfriend should probably stop his “neighbours” chant and let the nice lady sing her song. He doesn’t though.
“Oh my God! He’s pulled and he’s trying to woo her through the song.” I laugh.
I don’t have a ladylike laugh.
My laugh is filthier than my room, than A Girl With A One Track Mind, than Jack and Vera Duckworth dogging in dump.
It’s bad.
Older Man Favourite Customer tries to smile. He cannot conceal a look of pain as he stands in a room full of cocks, listening to bad jungle with me sounding like a field full cattle on Viagra.
I feel my cultured aura of sophistication is in peril.
“You’re laughing like a drain.” He points out to me.
Suddenly Live In Ex Boyfriend opens the door. (Live In Ex Boyfriend is a good-looking boy and most of the time he wears jeans and things.) Tonight, he stands before us dressed in a bright Mexican Poncho, a Mexican sombrero, a fake moustache and his pants. Older man Favourite Customer is trying to smile. I notice that his eyebrows are a lot further up his forehead than they normally are.
“Jesus, Luce, your laugh’s bad.” Says Live In Ex
“So is your bloody free styling. I like your Mexican costume though. It’s really good quality.” I gush, feeling the fabric.” It’ll be great for parties.”
“That’s what I thought.” Agrees Live In Ex-Boyfriend.
Older Man Favourite Customer laughs heartily.
Oh dear he thinks we’re joking.
In fact Live In Ex Boyfriend has a large array of costumes, capes, wigs and gnarly teeth which he wears to parties or uses for his comedy characters.
“You must be Older Man Favourite Customer! Pleased to meet you” he says, releasing the plastic cock that was in his right hand and offering it for Older Man Favourite Customer to shake.
They shake hands. I have managed to stop laughing for 5 seconds. It’s all going rather well considering.
“Sorry, rude of me,“ says Live In Ex Boyfriend and he offers Older Man Favourite Customer the cock that he is holding, “can’t offer you tea, we’re out of milk. But have a Cockalada, a new business venture of mine.”
Older Man Favourite Customer thanks him and puts it in his pocket. The phenomenally realistic tip peeps out.
“Go on, do your song for Older Man favourite Customer” I say, getting carried away by the love of the moment.
Live In Ex Boyfriend picks up a cock to use as microphone. He performs his sketch for us. I think it’s the best he’s ever done it. And I have seen it about 40 times. I am not sure he should have bent over that way wearing just his pants. But I clap enthusiastically nevertheless.
I notice that Older Man Favourite customer looks quite alot more rigid than normal.
“Ohh, we should probably leave you to it.” I whisper remembering the girl with the nice voice and fearing Older Man Favourite Customer will never want to talk to me again.
We clamber over the cocks to leave the flat. As we are walking down the stairs, I hear Live In Ex Boyfriend shouting after me.
“How’s your cultured aura of whatsicalled going?”
I’ll bloody kill him.
“Don’t wake up the neighbours.’
I shout back trying to imitate his jungle drone.
“What did he say?” asks Older Man Favourite Customer.
“Hmm. He’s referring to the cultured aura of sophistication I was trying to portray to you. I think that’s a bit buggered now.” I say. It feels quite good to communicate.
He laughs.
He laughs very loudly.
I start to worry about the impact on tectonic plates across the globe.
“You’re laughing like a drain.” I say, thrilled.
“I quite like you as you are.” He says.
“That’s a relief, that cultured aura of sophistication was a pain in the arse.”
Then we look at each other and it’s a nice look.
Then I start singing the cock song, because when anything touching happens, I have an impulse to be crass, and I don’t have to cultivate any cultured auras of sophistication anymore.
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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January 28, 2007 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
very excited about live in ex boyfriends business venture, would he like to pop round to mine in his pants and demonstrate x
fabulous lucy keep it up darling xx |
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January 29, 2007 - What we all dream of...
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| The Gospel According to mattslittlesister |
'I like you just as you are'...I think that says it all. Fuck the mess, the laddered tights and the crass comments...He doesn't care so why should you! We find it funny and endearing (not that I've seen your laddered tights or your messy bedroom but your crassness cracks me up) and by the sounds of it so does he. I say older man favourite customer is a keeper....for how long we don't know because he is a lot older but that is a mere minor detail!!
As for Live in Ex! I can't believe you're entertaining someone else in his bedroom...what happened to our history? having possibly one of the worst singing voices in the world (although secretly I know I'm good!) I feel I am no competition for that girl you were seranading with your cocks! Oh I am wounded.....
xxx |
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January 31, 2007 - marvellous
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| The Gospel According to Rhodri |
I followed links from Fridaycities, being concerned as to the whereabouts of your liver, and I found a great anecdote. Internet bingo.
Rhodri
http://rhodri.livejournal.com |
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January 31, 2007 - Friday Cities- My New Addiction
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
Rhodri...hello..and welcome....
Yes, after abusing my poor liver I like nothing more than posting nonsense on Friday Cities......the people all seem to be mad on it in a very good and entertaining way..
Friday Cities by the way is a new online london Community, where you can post up stuff like, "where's the best Chinese in Chinan Town" or "where's the best place in Soho to do binge drinking?" and lots of funny people will suggest things for you to get up to...
It's invite only but if you like the sound of it email me (there's a link up there on the right) and i'll forward you an invite
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February 3, 2007 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Claire(out of work actor friend) |
| I nearly peed my size 14 tummy and bottom slimming pants reading this. I LURRVE YOU! Cockalada anyone? xxx |
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February 11, 2007 - Online dating
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Hi
Well, if you are ready to give online dating another chance, I recommend www.maybedate.com - they review and rate dating websites, nice idea.
Sarah x |
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February 14, 2007 - Cockolada
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| The Gospel According to live in Ex |
| People are not going down on the cock as much as I hoped, I thought everyone loved the cock!! You will all be able to buy the cock soon at www.myspace/cockolada should be live in a few days, try one you may like it!! Dont worry Matts Little Sis, nothing came of the jungle MC ing, it was quite poor and the girl was sweet but not the type of junglist I was looking for, she had a few issues and Im not talking BIG Issue!! Anyway I read in one your mails that you had absolutely no time this YEAR for messing with boys seeing as you make hash choices when it comes to men..............well dont count your chickens I only wanted a drink!!!!!!! Sorry I missed you the other week, heard you were in he neighbourhood, Shame, I had the worst fever since I caught Dengy Fever in Thailand......Hope all is well, looking forward to seeing your comedy night, do you need any men for sketches? xx |
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February 19, 2007 - sorry about the Mcing gal...
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| The Gospel According to mattslittlesister |
| Oh look at that LIE, you wrote to me on valentines day!! Yes, I did think I'd see you the other day as I met Homeless friend and she was lurrvely and she told me all about you and your cocks...The show has already started and thank you for the offer of a man but I have a very capable 5' 6", tom cruise look-a-like to work with at the moment and am never short of men...It's the girls I lack!! Maybe see you at one of the shows...xx |
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February 20, 2007 - Ha!
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| The Gospel According to Katy in America |
I was watching Sex and the City, and I wanted to find what Carrie's first long 'I want you back' email to Aiden said, before she erased it. Google thought your blog would be an authority on "Carrie+email+Aiden+'Sex and the City.'" I never found out what the email said, but I'm sure it wouldn't have been as entertaining as your blog. The cast of characters replying to your posts are almost as funny as the blog itself.
I thought Older Man Favorite Customer handled himself very well when hearing about the blog, and meeting LIE (*dies*). I'm wondering if the fact that you haven't updated in a while means that things are going well with OMFC, so you've put your quest on hold? |
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February 20, 2007 - When oh when
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| The Gospel According to Ros |
Is the next update? Have been lurking for months reading this blog and nothing for ages!
Shocking behaviour, missus. |
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February 23, 2007 - And???????
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| The Gospel According to Wedding Singer |
C'mon Luce, we're all on the edge of our seats here!
Are you:
Off on a Mini-Break with OMFC,
Earnestly promoting The Cock,
Tied up in a basement somewhere, only able to suck polo mints from your top pocket? |
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February 23, 2007 - We want more
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Where is the next chapter?
Marie |
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February 24, 2007 - huh?
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| where indeed? |
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February 27, 2007 - Hellllloooooooooooooooooo
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| The Gospel According to live in Ex |
Hello Bloggers.........just had to put up a little comment to all you bloggers out there, the lady of the night is out there exploring this whole LOVE thing, trust me she is just building up her stories for you, well she must be because I havent seen the little minx for a while and a box of my Cocks have gone missing!!!! I think she took them with her to Mexico, (I am a true Mexican and didnt even get an invite) but not to worry it was with the family, so all you men out there, SHE IS STILL SEARCHING FOR LOOOVE......Plus she has been auditioning and doing that whole waitressing thing but don't panic the quest is still on ,I repeat the QUEST is still on,
I am dying for the next inscription too... (can I even use that word), im lost myself!!
Oh yeh while I am at it, I may as well do some self promotion seeing as I still havent pulled on this site!!!.(MLS) if you want to buy some cockOlada then go to www.myspace.com/cockolada and then go to the site to purchase, watch out for crazy Mexx the Mexican though as he is all over the Cock.............no matter what, if all else fails I will write a cockquest! a cock in search of being drunk or even a quest - 10 things that wont get you love......bad breath and sweaty boobs is a definate contender!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! actually its been a while..that dont sound too bad!!!!! |
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March 7, 2007 - Where art thou?
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| The Gospel According to Another Lucy |
Oh Spinster, where art thou? Hast thou been swept away by the OMFC?? Hast thou succumbed to diamonds and babies?
If so, can I suggest I take up the Spinster Quest mantle? I am also called Lucy and am very, very single, and am happy to shamelessly throw myself to the Quest crocodiles in the name of a good blog... |
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March 18, 2007 - Where are you?!
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| The Gospel According to Acute Spinster |
| Lucy - I miss your stories! You have to post something even if it is to tell us that your quest has been fulfilled! You torture us with your silence... |
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March 28, 2007 - Why have you stopped writing?
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| The Gospel According to Belinda who you met once |
Hello Lucy - really enjoy reading your blogs. Think they are v funny. Maybe your not single any more! I am Nic (from Love and Human Remains)'s now Ex Girlfriend. Very sad. Anyway, keep on with the Spinsters Quest!
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March 29, 2007 - Come back!!!!
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| The Gospel According to Emma |
| Spinsters everywhere need you! |
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April 2, 2007 - Yarrrg I'm a Pirate!!
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| The Gospel According to Capt Rob |
| that is all. |
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April 18, 2007 - give us the goss
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Where are you, what's going on?! This feels like being back at school and being the last to find out about, like, everything. Give us an update!!!! |
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April 18, 2007 - give us the goss
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Where are you, what's going on?! This feels like being back at school and being the last to find out about, like, everything. Give us an update!!!! |
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April 24, 2007 - Where is the next chapter?
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| What is the story? |
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April 30, 2007 - the story of Lucy and LIE
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| The Gospel According to Helen |
don't know about the next part of the current tale, but Lucy and LIE on their history can be found here:
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/woman/story/0,,2054415,00.html
...
I LOVE this blog by the way, read the whole thing late into the night and was dying with laughter, please tell us more!
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May 2, 2007 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Katy in America |
Thanks for the link to the article, Helen! Now that the Observer has pointed Lucy's blog out, she has to start writing here again! Right?!
That aside, I was happy to read "There is a man in my life at the moment and he doesn't see Simon as a problem at all, in fact they get on well." Is this still OMFC? If so--Yay! I like what you've written about him, he sounds great! It was also interesting to read about how you and LIE are working it out. I have been fascinated by your living arrangements. I honestly don't know if I could deal with a guy I was seeing living with a woman he used to sleep with, no matter how cool she was or how platonic they seemed to have become. |
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May 4, 2007 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| I love reading the blog and the comments. I have know Lucy since the convent, a long time. I think I would have a problem if my man was living with his ex but if you see Lucy and LIE you would know it is just mates. It is just the funniest watching them. OMFC is lovely and can see the friendship with LIE for what it is. I am over the moon for Lucy but miss the blog. |
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May 14, 2007 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| older man favourite customer is bad influence...u've stopped writting!! |
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May 15, 2007 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| You are back with a fanatic blog laughing to myself at work and letting all my friends know it is back. So as your oldest Convent friend maybe it is time you helped me find love. |
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