The Story So Far and An Idea
March 28, 2008
I’m in a relationship.
I’m part of a couple. Half of a whole. I’m a ‘we.’ I’m an ‘us.’ A duo. A twin pack. It’s two for the price of one. I’m taken. I’ve been snapped up. Well, sold to the only bidder.
I’m a girlfriend, partner, lover, mate, other half, bit of fluff, old girl, old dear, old trout, and an unhealthy amount of other nouns preceded by the word OLD.
And between you and me and the world wide web…
… I’m scared.
I’m shaking and sweating.
I feel like I’m going through customs in Mexico and I’ve hidden a lot of cocaine up my rectum and there’s a dog barking at my bum and a Hispanic man running towards me putting plastic gloves on.
Will we be one of the relationship greats? A Jack and Vera, Bonnie and Clyde, a Fred and Wilma or will it be more Fred and Rosemary, Charles and Diana, Mr and Mrs Bobbett?
Only time or a very accurate psychic reading will tell.
There’s another reason I’m scared.
I am writing a book.
Macmillan is going to publish a book I’ve not quite finished writing. Macmillan like my book so much they are billing it as a Bridget Jones for the 21st Century. That’s Bridget Jones, which has sold over four million copies and spawned two multi million pound grossing films.
So no pressure there then.
Live In Ex Boyfriend is good on fear. ‘Feel’ the fear, ‘fight’ the fear, ‘fuck’ the fear! He shouts between protein shake slurps.
‘I can’t cope. Have we got any bread?’ I whimper.
‘Luce. It’s great. You started a blog to find a man. Now you’ve got a man and a book deal! I’m off bread. How about a hard boiled egg?’
‘I miss my blog.’ I moan.
And I do miss my blog. I want more.
‘Ooh ahh, just a little bit
Ooh ahh, a little bit more.’
Gina G understands.
And I have an idea, which I want to share.
It grows inside me like bloaty wind.
I need to belch it out.
I apologise if it smells slightly of hard-boiled egg.
I want to be Cilla Black.
I, Super Cilla, want to finish The Fifty Ways To Find a Lover with my single friends.
There are so many pulling paths I didn’t go down because I found love. Super Cilla and her spinster friends can wiggle and wobble down these routes with acumen and alcohol.
I never tried to pull in a super market. I never discovered whether the hot beds for lust were in Sainsbury’s or M and S, the wine isle or the micro meals for one section. I never went up to a good-looking bloke and asked him if he was a model/actor/singer in a band.
And all these things can be done.
I just need single people to put their faith in Super Cilla.
So step forward spinsters and let Super Cilla assist you on your quests.
1) I will ask you to fill in a questionnaire.
2) I will dress you up.
3) I will take you somewhere appropriate to meet the man of your dirty dreams.
3) I will give you a carefully crafted collection of chat up lines.
4) I will look modest in a big hat when you thank me at your wedding.
Super Cilla is waiting…….
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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March 31, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Oooooo pick me, pick me.
I've missed the blog - so glad its back to rescue all us single lasses!
FYI burping/ farting egg is not the way to keep a partner. |
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March 31, 2008 - You are back
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
You are back and on true form. Have missed the blog. Looking forward to the book already.
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April 1, 2008 - Lorra lorra laughs (as usual)
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| The Gospel According to Brit Out Of Water |
It seems that you have found your true calling at last, Artist Formerly Known As The Spinster! Although just make sure there's no pool tables at all the weddings that you're going to have to attend...you know what you're like.
Really really happy for you with the book deal. Though please do warn me when I can expect to switch on the TV and see you sharing witty pleasantries with David Letterman, OK?! x |
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April 2, 2008 - Beautiful Niece with the small bottom here
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I'm so glad the blog is back - and on true top form!
I am now a taken lady after a weekend away in Bournemouth where I spotted a stunner and said those oh so romantic words "you walk fast" as he walked to the bar. Clearly he must have been impressed with the comment though.
However, I may find myself single in the near future after we had our first holiday together in sunny Egypt where he told me he loved me as I was dozing off and very startled I said "what did you say that for". The topic has not been discussed since. ..... Well, ok I do occassionally chant "you really luuuurrrrv me".
Looking forward to the book
x |
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April 9, 2008 - we need more
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| still laughing out loud, we have missed you, please give us more x |
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April 9, 2008 - Super Cilla
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Lucy loved up, I love the idea of your latest quest, keep us up to date with homeless friends adventures! |
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April 29, 2008 - She's back!
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| The Gospel According to mattslittlesister |
This is just totally awesome that you're back and I think it's a brilliant idea. Shall not be putting myself forward I'm afraid because I'm....welll....I have no idea what I'm doing but there's a man, he's tall and he's funny. Need I say more?
You are my inspiration darling gal. As I race towards my thirties with open arms, I think of you and what you've experienced and achieved in the last year or so and I am ready for a similar rollarcoaster ride!!! Bring it on.
CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE BOOK, get a signed copy, buy it as presents for my friends!!!!
Must dash...Comedy to write.
Love to L.I.E...I miss him...xxxx |
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25) Guardian Soulmates Online