The Spanish Dish and A Dilemma

April 23, 2008

(hello, if you've just arrived i'll fill you in...i was exploring 50 ways to find love, then i found love and oddly a book deal....now i am Super Cilla a matchmaker extra ordinaire)


(It’s not easy being Cilla Black and Cupid’s love child. I need advice for Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle)

“Know you this woman?”
“Carnally.”
Those aren’t my words. They are Shakespeare’s. An easy mistake to make.

I have just been doing the play that this line came from. It was a modern interpretation of the play. Modern interpretations of Shakespeare plays are pretty much the same as traditional interpretations. Except the actors have to simulate sex to techno music during the scene changes. Sex simulation involves a day off normal rehearsals to work with gay choreographers who make you do lots of pelvic rotations with your eyes closed. I love simulating sex during scene changes. It is my second favourite bit about being an actress. My first is wearing lots of make up.

Onstage frottage with cast members has its downsides though.
1) Nervous flatulence makes you gag when you are simulating fellatio at crotch height.
2) You contract flu, stomach bugs, knits, cold sores, veruccas and interesting rashes.
3) Cast members become horney and susceptible to lewd behaviour and knob gags.
(our warm up game was ‘keepy uppy’ our cast song was ‘Shove it! Shove it as far up your arse as it’ll go’- we wonder why we didn’t get arts council funding)

So, Actress Who Played The Nun fell for Actor Who Played The Baddie. Brilliant Actor With Severe Flatulence fell for Pretty Girl Who Worked In The Office and I fell for the actress I sat next to in the dressing room.

Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle is the nicest person in the world. She is so nice she makes Mother Teresa look like a bit of a cow. She resembles a fresh-faced milkmaid even when eating a portion of cheesy chips with beans after 4 large glasses of cheap white wine. She has two dimples. Her lovely mum told her that these were the marks that God left when he pressed her cheeks to check she was ready. She is so lovely that Gorgeous Gay Actor Who My Mum Thought Was Will Young and I had an argument over who loved her more. I’m not sure who won but we didn’t speak for 45 minutes, which is problematic when you’re doing a play.

Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle is single. She asked Super Cilla for advice. Super Cilla instructed her in the all-important first three stages of the Super Cilla Service
1) The filling in of Super Cilla’s Questionnaire For Questing Spinsters.

2) The cosmic ordering of the man of her dreams. Super Cilla discovered that cosmic ordering enabled Noel Edmonds to resurrect his presenting career. Realising that it can make miracles happen she decided to adopt its principles in her matchmaking.

3) The trip to the pub to talk about boys.

Super Cilla: So do you have your eye on anyone?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Well…
Super Cilla: Oh my God! Oh my God! Who?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: A um Spanish Waiter from a certain chain of tapas restaurants.
Super Cilla: You want to eat his chorizo?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: I’m a vegetarian.
Super Cilla: Shall we go on for another drink?

‘This should be easy….’ I think.
My favourite red wine is Rioja. I went to Mallorca once with Homeless Friend and I have a cardigan from Mango. I am practically Spanish.

‘This should be exciting.’ I think.
It is a well-known fact that whereas the Scottish chef is a deep-fried Mars bar, the French maitre d’ is a wanky little fancy truffle, the Spanish Waiter is the symbol of sinful indulgence. He is the Ferera Roche of men.

We go on to a late night drinking bar.
Super Cilla: Two large glasses or shall we sod it and get a bottle?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Hmmm. I dunno. It’s one in the morning and we’ve got two shows tomorrow.
Super Cilla: You’re right. Best just get two large glasses and a sambucca each.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: (panting, gasping, squeaking and pointing at a dark and dreamy Spanish looking man) Oh my God he’s over there! With his friends!
Super Cilla: Ahhhhhh! (hyperventilating) What do we do?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: (shocked) You’re Super Cilla.
Super Cilla: Oh yeah. (Super Cilla thinks) Go to loo.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Wha..?
Super Cilla: Go to the loo!

Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle goes to the loo. I sit and wait. And wait. She returns. Finally. Skipping. She has been talking to The Spanish Dish. He has invited us over. The Spanish Dish is Gillette advert perfect. He has the name of a Shakespearean hero and he speaks better English than the bard himself. I am impressed.

His friends however are not even at the ‘how are you?’ stage of English conversation proficiency. I, Super Cilla, spend a lot of time shouting, “Where in Spain are you from?” to blank faces whilst trying to eavesdrop on Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle’s conversation with The Spanish Dish. They debate where the phrase ‘the pot calling the kettle black’ originated from before he tells her how he once listened to Pachebal in Poland. Realising that men don’t discuss listening to Pachebal in Poland with just anyone, Super Cilla starts to plan a traditional Spanish wedding.

We are harshly evicted from the pub. The boys invite us to another late night drinking den. We decline because we are professional actresses. We walk giddly to the chip van instead.

Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Thanks Super Cilla. But what do I do now?
The Posh Nosh chip van man: Salt and vinegar on the chips and beans love?
Super Cilla: Fuck, bollocks! Tits, wank! I don’t know!
The Posh Nosh Chip Van Man looks shocked.
Super Cilla: (meekly) Oh sorry I was talking to her. Yes please. Lots of both.


Super Cilla goes to bed that night on fire. And not just because of the beans.
She has realised the seriousness of her mission.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle is a diamond, a lottery win, a holiday in Devon when the weather is good, a theatre performance when the audience don’t cough. She’s like looking in your bag for twenty p and finding a tenner. She is rare and special.

Does The Spanish Dish deserve her? I don’t know. Even if Bob Geldof was single I’m not sure whether he’d deserve her. In addition to all this Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle lost her lovely mum last year. When her mum was in hospital and unable to speak they communicated by notes. Now Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle’s most treasured possession is a note from her lovely mum saying ‘find a nice man not a numpty like the last one.’

What if I, as Super Cilla, encourage her to be with the Spanish Dish and he turns out to be a numpty? What if the Spanish Dish hurts her?
Super Cilla will receive a life sentence. In Borstal. For bar-be-que-ing a Spanish mans balls while he’s still attached to them.

There is no choice but to ask the powers that be.
I go to Yahoo questions and type ‘how do you ask a Spanish man out?’
I get this response. Ten times.
‘Hay estoy un gay bar?’



Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle and Super Cilla meet in the dressing room for the matinee. Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle looks like she’s been gaily milking Fresians. Super Cilla looks like the Fresian bull’s scrotum. We are just about able to open one eye, make a small gassy belch and mumble the word ‘urghpherburgh’ between us. We go to Marks and Spencer Simply Food. We buy everything they offer in the way of food and drink to cure our hangovers. We do an actors warm up which makes me fall over and Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle go to the toilet feeling queasy. We console ourselves with the fact that many actresses wouldn’t get so far at the Oliver Reed Academy of Dramatic Art. We do the matinee. We discover valuable new depths of unbalanced pain in our performances.

Later we lie groaning on seats in the empty auditorium. We clutch our heads against the boisterous sounds of Keepy-uppy. We whisper to each other.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: So what did you think of the Spanish Dish?
Super Cilla: He’s dark and deep and dreamy.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Hmmmm. I’ve lent him a book we were talking about. I dropped it in earlier.
Super Cilla: Genius! Did you write a note? Did you leave him your phone number?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: No, I can’t do that. It’s too obvious.
Super Cilla: Obvious is good. Isn’t it?
Comedic Tactile Male Actor: Are we going out for a drink tonight ladies?
Super Cilla: Urgh.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Yep hair of the dog’s the only thing for it.
Super Cilla: Urgh.
Comedic Tactile Male Actor: Let’s go to that Spanish place?
Super Cilla: Hair of the dog! Bloody good idea.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Urgh.


We arrive at The Spanish Dishery. Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle is instantly greeted by a man she did a play with ten years ago. As she is so lovely he is pleased to see her. She spends the next ten minutes with her head pressed into his armpit. The Spanish Dish sees her, smiles and hovers. Then he gets back to work. Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle is eventually released, ruffled.
The Spanish Dish brings us a plate of cheese and vegetables.
The Spanish Dish: There is no meat because she is vegetarian. (He smiles) Thank you for the book.
Comedic Tactile Male Actor starts telling comedic stories whilst being tactile. The Spanish Dish hovers and then leaves.
And that is the last we see of him.
Our play finishes.
We leave the city and head back to London.


However in one months time Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle will be back in that city.
What should she do then?
Ordinarily Super Cilla might suggest getting very drunk and saying ‘shall we kiss?’
But such a smash and grab tactic seems wrong.

Pachebal, books and free tapas.
This isn’t a modern interpretation.
This is a love story that should be approached in the traditional way.



NB: Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle really does have a fantasy to sit naked in a sherry trifle.
Think about it.
It’s quite appealing.

NNB: Although I suggest that you lower yourself into the trifle gently. If you were dropped into it from a great height you might find that a lot of trifle went ‘as far up your arse as it would go.’

April 27, 2008 - gurgle splurgle snort

April 27, 2008 - oh no no no....

April 28, 2008 - Untitled Comment

April 28, 2008 - a very good idea...

April 29, 2008 - Blurred Vision

April 29, 2008 - ...er...some people..

April 29, 2008 - Where were you?

May 9, 2008 - Untitled Comment

May 13, 2008 - welcome back

October 7, 2008 - Lapdancing