23) Pulling In A Pub
October 2, 2008
HAVE NO FEAR SINGLE PEOPLE. SUPER CILLA IS HERE.
Super Cilla advertised her matchmaking services to her single friends. She got an enthusiastic response.
‘NO WAY!’
‘Fuck OFF!’
'I don’t want you to find me a bloody man. Stop going on about it. OKAY!’
‘Luce, I mean it, you’re really doing my head in.’
But like all the greats, Nelson Mandela, Jesus, Mylene Class, she didn’t let a tiny setback stop her from persuing her dream.
She wore them down. And down. Until one day The Other Convent Girl said the magic words - ‘oh for fucks sake all right then. I’ll do it if I bloody have to.’
The Other Convent Girl has been single for years largely because no one has come close to a boyfriend she had 10 years ago. Now she is very, very horny. I have started to fear for inanimate objects.
She’s my oldest friend. We used to walk to school together (via a pedestrian subway where we fast tracked Benson And Hedges) I even remember her first snog. It was in a pub cellar and she thought the boy had a Mars Bar in his pocket.
She is loyal and lovely. She has a staggering capacity for vodka and an alarming appreciation for Dolly Parton. She has her own business, her own car, her own flat and when you stay there she’ll cook you dinner and wake you in the morning with tea and a bacon sandwich.
We will begin our search in the spiritual home of the male. The pub.
Pubs are full of men.
A man goes into a pub in order to feel like a MAN and to demonstrate that he is a MAN. He does that by drinking lager and entertaining his friends with stories about football and drinking lager.
Our strategy will be to insult a man we like the look of.
This tactic is called ‘negging’ and comes from a book some bloke wrote called The Game. Apparently when you insult the object of your desire in the early stages of conversation, their confidence shatters and they become vulnerable and puppy like in your hands. This tactic was devised by men to use on us.
I hope The Other Convent Girl will be brutal.
The Other Convent Girl and I haven’t seen each other for ages. About 36 hours. She cooks chicken tikka masala while I explain the concept of ‘negging’.
Or try to explain the concept of negging but I just have to hear about the wedding she went to at the weekend. And see the dress she wore. And look at the photos. Then we have to discuss the dilemma of the friend who found porn on her boyfriend’s computer. Suddenly it is 10.33.
Shitbags.
Frantic whirlwind of breasts, clothes, make-up and chaos.
We arrive in the pub 8 minutes before closing.
The look is less ‘Maybe She’s Born With It. Maybe It’s…Maybeline.’
And more ‘Maybe She’s Born With It. Maybe It’s… Halloween.’
I survey the room. It’s full of men. Unfortunately they all look like extras from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. The only other woman in the building is the barmaid. But she looks like that Olympic shot putter who was disqualified for being a man.
‘Shit,’ says Super Cilla.
The Other Convent Girl seems to be taking it quite well, she’s looking at a bloke on a bar stool and licking her lips.
‘He looks quite nice,’ she whispers.
Blimey I thought I went for the ugly and grateful variety.
‘So what do I have to say?’
‘Something mean. Hit him where it hurts.’
‘Yer wha?’
‘Walk up to him and say ‘You look like a girl when you drink lager’. There’s nothing a man likes less than being called a girl. Except maybe ‘a big girl’.
‘Oh do I have to? Can‘t I say something nice like ‘what’s a handsome man like you doing on your own?’
She giggles, winks and wiggles off.
She says her line. He smiles! I can see why she likes him then. His face changes from Agreived BNP to Cute Cheeky Chappy Bald Bloke From Those Property Shows.
I beam proudly. She may not have followed my advice. But she got out there. She had a go. I start thinking hats.
But then I look at Shot Putter The Barmaid’s face. Her expression is the one that men on bad steroids use when they are lifting a heavy weight. The threat of grievous bodily harm hangs in the air.
She must be his partner.
Jizbags.
I rush up to The Other Convent Girl and steer her out of the pub quickly.
We stand near the chip van having a ‘will we won’t we’ moment. A tall tanned man is in the queue. He’s shouting into a mobile phone. He’s shouting very loudly. The person he’s talking to must be at The Ministry of Sound. Standing next to an amp.
‘I wish he’d bloody keep it down,’ tuts The Other Convent Girl.
He doesn’t. He starts talking louder.
‘He’s really doing my head in.’
‘Hmm.’ I mutter not really bothered.
‘OI.’ She shouts towards him. ‘CAN YOU STOP SPEAKING. YOUR LOUD SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT IS DOING MY HEAD IN.’
I step away from my oldest friend and stare intently at the ground. It’s a Jade Goody moment. He is Shilpa Shitty. The chip van men will think we’re racist and we’ll have to fly to South Africa and say sorry.
The guy collects his chips and turns round. I look at the floor again.
‘Hi,’ he says. When I look up he’s smiling at The Other Convent Girl.
‘I’m serious. Don’t talk to me. I’ve heard enough of your voice,’ she barks.
He looks at her for about 5 seconds and then says,
‘Can I have your number?’
She laughs in his face.
He gets out his mobile phone. She notices a friendship bracelet on his wrist.
‘Why are you wearing a girl’s bracelet?’ she says.
He starts to speak and The Other Convent Girl just walks off.
‘Negging rocks,’ I pant, scurrying after her.
‘Hang about. I was negging him because he really was a tosser. Not because I wanted to sleep with him.’
Then she rants on about the different aspects that made him a tosser.
But I don’t listen.
I’m too busy imagining what’ll happen when she negs a man she likes.
And I’m excited.
Very excited.
I think we’re onto something.
Mars Bars in pockets here we come.
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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October 2, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Convent girl sounds like a sport and a good friend. |
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October 2, 2008 - oi
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| The Gospel According to suspicious mind |
| Did you write that about yourself Convent Girl? |
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October 5, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Convent Girl is right - there is never a need for men to wear friendship bracelets! |
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October 6, 2008 - She returns!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I've been sitting here single, distraught, and clueless without the beacon of light that is your mystical dating prowess to light the way...
can I blame you for the fact I am still single?
I'm also incredibly nosy and in lieu of any actual social life of my own I'm dying to know how things are going with your older man and when the book is coming out???
I've been bored... so bored that I started my own blog to record just how bored I am - read it, it's *really* exciting! http://cheekygoddess.blogspot.com/
love from the-artist-formerly-known-as-the-lovely-Australian
PS you can set me up! |
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October 6, 2008 - hello lovely Australian
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
how good to find you here in the blogosphere after so long...
i really enjoyed your blog
http://cheekygoddess.blogspot.com/
and am scratching the itchy bits to know if you bonked that young chap...blimey!!!...late night booty calls from 24 year olds...i'd say....'oh go on then' for education's sake..young people need positive role models...i guess that's what David Cameron means....
now then in answer to your question..the book's out in April and Older Man Favourite Customer is in the next room watching a programme about plummeting shareprices!!
x |
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October 6, 2008 - Hmmmm
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
| he's just switched over to a documentary on lapdancers.... |
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October 7, 2008 - marrage
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| BLOODY ELL CILLA DONT YOU KNOW ITS CALLED NAGGING AND DOESN'T START TILL AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED. |
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October 7, 2008 - At last...
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| The Gospel According to Brit Out Of Water |
Can't quite believe that you're in blogging waters again - now you've got your book deal, I thought you'd abandoned all the little folk? Although to be fair, Halley's Comet is more regular than Super Cilla's postings...
Mars Bars in pockets? Negging? Oh it's all so much more complicated than it was in my day. What happened to the glory days of a bit of flirting, telling a girl she was 'fit' and going from there?
Good to have you back, "Spinster".
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October 9, 2008 - a new quest
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| The Gospel According to double d the mother |
Dear Super Cilla
I'm in need of your super little love wand, as you already know I met my man fell in love got married and had a baby! ( all boxes ticked ) but the problem I am now faced with is I am currently living a spinsters life, this is due to my husband and I working different shifts and we spilt the child care between us so no romance!!!
Here is what I need from you ( if you choose to accpet this quest) I need you to set up a date for me and the hubby, something fun and not in a pub!!
I could ramble on forever but I think you get the picture!
Let me know what you think of my quest and if you think that you can help!!
Love Double D the mother
p.s do you include babysitting in super Cilla duties??? |
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October 9, 2008 - You poor little chicken
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
Hello Double G The Mother,
Yes, yes, yes. Of course I will help you. My thinking hat is firmly on, and at quite a jaunty angle too.
I do have a slight fear that you'll get there, he'll hate it, the two of you will have a big barney and then i'll call you from Casualty because i let your child eat a lipstick.
But i'm sure it'll be fine...
what fun!!!
x
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October 9, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Double G the mother |
A few words of wisdom for today's cynic.
Please remember ladies that in retrospect that finding a lover is the easy part.
The true judge of a relationship is what happens after the lust fades and your willingness to keep the spark alive! |
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October 14, 2008 - Double G you're killing me!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
finding a lover is the easy part!?!
...have you not read the rest of the blog and all the effort, alcohol, and crazy-goth-midget-pain that went into finding a lover (or at least a man who sits in the adjacent room watching lap dancers)?
(...kidding - am very happy for you both and for the impending book release - very happy for me too cos I'm looking forward to reading it)
sad to report that the potential toyboy remains uneducated. Was fully prepared to embrace the role of teacher... however the student was just too lazy
boys are silly and we should throw rocks at them
x this cheeky goddess (whom nobody worships - sob sob...)
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October 24, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Double G the Mother |
In my defence I did say " In Retrospect" now all that stuff just sounds like a fun night out!!!
Yes men are stupid and I have started throwning rocks at random men just for the hell of it while screaming 'you think that hurts dickhead try childbirth' ;> |
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November 6, 2008 - Convent Girl at pub
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| The Gospel According to Kelster |
| I heart this blog and wholeheartedly agree with your description of said lady. I can also confirm that she was a negging expert at college. |
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Book publication day post.