24) Match.com
October 15, 2008
Dating Dire-ect used to be the daddy, the Tesco, the China of online dating.
But then match.com put ads on everything.
The ads feature two blokes who are dressed up as Cupid and Fate.
The Cupid chap is fat.
And semi naked.
And it looks like when he farts, people die.
Despite this match.com now has nearly as many people in it as Scotland.
Amazing.
I tried online dating myself some time ago.
I stopped abruptly after one date. With a randy gothic midget.
In the sad light of such trauma… why have I bullied my old school friend The Other Convent Girl to join match.com. Am I a bitch, a witch, an evil task master, cruel enough to go to one of Max Mosely’s parties?
Well, no. (although I could do with the money)
In actual fact, I’ve been thinking. (finally)
Finding a man should be a lot like buying a sofa.
If I wanted to buy a sofa. Would I
1) Wander around moaning, ‘I really want a sofa. Why haven’t I got a sofa? I’m never going to get a sofa. Do you do that two glasses get the rest of the bottle free offer?’
Or
2) Go on line.
Find out where to buy a sofa.
Look at sofas.
Bounce up and down on them.
Find out if they wash well.
See how they handle red wine.
Take one home.
Obviously I’d do the latter. So I want to encourage my little spinsters to treat finding a man in the same way. And that means first of all looking online.
There are many positives about online dating.
Well two that I can think of.
a) Thousands of men to choose from.
It may feel sometimes like being at a Next sale on Boxing Day. You have to wade through untidy merchandise, the nice items go to slimmer people with more venom, but then finally you discover a little gem that holds you in all the right places.
b) It is fun.
Getting a message or a wink from a good looking man induces a girlish rush. The symptoms of which are high pitched shrieking and giggling. It is the timeless feeling of giddiness that you first got at 14 when you heard that a boy with a floppy fringe and acne wanted to French kiss you.
So it’s the weekend.
I am at a family reunion.
The Other Convent Girl has a quiet weekend at home planned.
I instruct her to join match.com and partake in a match.com marathon, only stopping for loo breaks with penetration accomplished by Sunday.
‘Have you got that?’ I bark.
‘But I don’t have a computer at home’ she whines.
‘Hhhhuuupphhhhsssssssphhhh,’ I sigh like a punctured lilo.
‘Why would I want a computer at home? I’d never stop working.’
Where do I start? Youtube, facebook, blogs, unbufferable porn. General internet procrastination….. What else can you do on computers? But I don’t even mention these hobbies. Instead these words come out of my mouth…
‘I’ll join you up and write your profile and everything.’
And whereas she could say ‘no, no.,no, no..That would be libellous I’ll put a macbookpro on my credit card tomorrow’…. she actually says
‘Cool but they have to have hair and they can’t have kids.’
And so I sit down, I join match.com on her behalf and I sell my friend.
And I’m gooood. And it’s not just the Majestic Wine special offer talking.
I’m an agent. A pulling agent.
The name’s Cilla. Super Cilla.
Any old martini will do.
I keep her profile brief so that people want to see more. I make sure that I mention that she can cook (men love being cooked for) and that she has brothers (men hate being beaten up by a lady’s brothers)
Then I upload my favourite photo of her, she’s demonstrating a startled grin as though someone’s just inserted a finger up her anus and she’s showing a not-quite-at-nipple-point amount of cleavage. It’s hot and takes no time to buffer at all.
She’d be rubbish at selling herself. She wouldn’t seem nearly desperate enough. She’d be all you must have hair, and a job, blah blah. But I’m much softer and sweeter. I’m much more ‘I love cooking all night’ and ‘if you stay over I’ll make you a bacon sandwich in the morning’.
I enlist the help of a cousin I haven’t seen for sixteen years. She is great, a Bottecelli blonde with a strong aura of naughtiness about her. We wade through the men on match.com and we wink at them on her behalf. Then we open another bottle of wine and wink at a few more.
We quickly develop a system
We ignore all men who use photos where you can see their ex girlfriends. They’ve cropped the photos but you can still see a bit of blushered cheek pressed against their own.
We read profiles like
‘Professional man who has worked hard to be where he is seeks exceptional women; caring, beautiful, funny, educated, sensual and humble’
We cry the word ‘wanker’.
We see photos of men dressed up at Halloween, some complete with axes through their head.
We shudder the word ‘psycho’.
We see cute photos of men in tight T-shirts.
Gorgeous Cousin shrieks ‘gay.’
Gorgeous Cousin is very good at pointing out repressed homosexuality.
We see photos of balding, chubby men who write about how much they love their children.
We coo ‘ahh,’ and wink them.
My Wonderful Mother joins us with another bottle of wine. We teach her the ‘wanker, psycho, gay, ahh’ mantra. And so it continues until I can’t remember going to bed.
Now there is an unspoken rule that states you must not telephone an out of work actress before midday. Everyone knows it. Yet at 8.15 the following morning I am woken by my mobile telephone and The Other Convent Girl screaming. And when I say screaming I mean screaming like she’s giving birth.
‘You have to deal with this!’
‘WEErrhhgh.’ I’m still trying to unstick my eyes.
‘You’ve got to answer all these messages. I haven’t got time. I’ve got to go into a meeting,’ she pants.
‘How many messages?’
‘10, but some look like that fat Cupid bloke off the ads.’
I cringe and lie.
‘That was mum.’
‘And some have got kids.’
If in doubt. Cringe and lie some more.
‘Mum again.’ I add a tut for effect and I brace myself. I expect to be scolded. Super Cilla shouldn’t get drunk with family members and wink at men on an old school friend’s behalf. Naughty Super Cilla.
But instead her voice goes up three octaves and she shrieks, ‘It’s so exciting!’ in my delicate ear.
‘You’re a hit!’ I whisper back
‘I know! I’ll never be able to concentrate in my meeting.’
And I hear her giddily giggle as she puts the phone down.
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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October 15, 2008 - The Other Convent Girl
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
So it is true I have been logging on every morning and making that early morning call. This morning no different but with a new question.
'what am i supposed to say when they ask me why i'm single??
Help
The Other Convent Girl |
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October 15, 2008 - Why am I single?
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| The Gospel According to Live In Ex |
At first I thought what a stupid question then I thought No actually quite a perfect question!
I am sure a lot of people don’t ask WHY? I don’t think there is one answer to that question I think there are several so here you go.................
1) I haven’t found the right person and each person I have met has not fulfilled my wants in a man and I obviously haven’t fulfilled theirs!!
2) I haven’t asked enough questions of what I really want in a man so I keep meeting different men to find out what I don’t want!!
3) I don’t really know who I am and am not willing to do the work on myself alone, so I get involved with men and then realise its not what I want so I dump them or they dump me!
4) I have a lot of insecurities and I attract what I am. I never like what I attract and now I know what I want, I haven’t met him yet! You could be that guy!
5) I have had enough relationships to know what I want in a man now. so I’m staying single until I feel that the next one is right. I’m not just jumping in for the sake of it.
6) I like myself. being single is not a problem for me. It allows me to have fun but not have to commit to anything I don’t want, like or feel.
7) Relationships whether intimate or not always teach me more about myself and I love that. Being single allows me lots of different relationships with different people and I love that. That doesn’t mean they all end in Sex.
8) Sex for me is easy, sex isn’t love. Being single allows me to get to know people, see if the feelings are right. I don’t need sex to justify who I am. I can use a dildo for that!!!
9) I am not a needy person so I don’t need to be with somebody to enjoy who I am.
10) I like it. I like men too that’s why I am on this site seeing what my options are!
11) Good question! I don’t really know. Let me go away and think about it!
12) Good question. That’s made me have to go within and that scares me so fuck off!!
13) Over the years I have looked to a relationship to give me the answers to who I am and for another person to fulfil my needs. I then realised nobody can do that other than me. So I have been single since that realisation and now that I don’t NEED a man I know I am ready to have one!!
Wank material that last one. Hope it Helps.
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October 15, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Super Cilla |
| Blimey...... |
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October 16, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Bottecelli blonde with a strong aura of naughtiness about her |
So... Other Convent Girl.... have you met up with any of these match.com men? Tell us ... Tell us....
and why are the single men from Match.com asking you why you are single??
two words for that... Pot & Kettle. |
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October 18, 2008 - well, well, well....
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| The Gospel According to Super Cilla |
Dates are in the offing!
we are trying to coordinate diaries so that Super Cilla can attend...in a big hat and hiding behind a newspaper,
if the date is dissappointing, a suitable signal will be given by The Other Convent Girl and Super Cilla will rescue her....somehow
seamless...
hmmm |
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October 22, 2008 - britoutofwater
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Finding a man is like finding a sofa? Does that mean you start looking for buy one get one free/no payment until 2010 offers, or that you have to spend lots of time in the company of spotty awkward 19 year olds trying to get you to do something you don't want to? |
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October 22, 2008 - er.....Britoutofwater
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| The Gospel According to Super Cilla |
tell us what these spotty 19 year old boys get you to do?
i've got an image,
it's not pretty, it's slightly illegal.
..and i'm not sure which way up it goes..
you should unload that...(i really don't mean that in a sexual sense)
...get it off your chest...(or that) |
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October 24, 2008 - I am the other convent Girl with two dates
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| 1st Date this Saturday and then one on Sunday. Fingers crossed. My tummy does flips just thinking about it. |
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October 24, 2008 - super cilla
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| The Gospel According to Double G the Mother |
Super Cilla have I got a cracking idea for you.
Why don't you organise a Bachelor and Spinsters ball
That way you could invite a load of single people together in one room, ask one of your many friends to DJ, worst case everyone goes home single but they have had a bloody brillant night!!!
You could call it Super Cilla B & S Ball!! |
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October 24, 2008 - I love it!
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| The Gospel According to Super Cilla |
It's a lovely idea and it should be for charity. We shall save the world and people will do snogging and i shall weep tears of joy and dance badly....
right I'm on to it
x |
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October 24, 2008 - Visions of love
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| The Gospel According to Double G the Mother |
Can you picture it everyone in black tie the roof covered with fairy lights a smoke machine a cuddle corner, candle lights.............
ooohhh my romantic brain it never ends |
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October 31, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
True story, its all about the Zotrims!!
Id usually be spending my Friday night with a family sized Galaxy bar in front of Jonathan Ross and tonight I will be doing neither - my trusty Zotrims stop me even being tempted by snacking (lost 2 lbs this week and kept those off from last week - woop woop) but I still fancy Mr Ross despite him recently being lead astray by Mr Brand and there's just no cure for that! |
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25) Guardian Soulmates Online