25) Guardian Soulmates Online
October 29, 2008
One day I am at home. I am on the sofa.
I am daydreaming.
I have become addicted to yoga, I look like Penelope Cruz and Russell Brand is stalking me.
The phone rings. It’s Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In a Sherry Trifle.
‘Let’s meet up tonight.’
‘Cool’
‘I can’t have a heavy one.’
‘Me neither.’
It is a well known fact that any night which starts with the phrase ‘can’t have a heavy one’ will end with you being sick in a sex shop at 4 am and then spending the following day in a darkened room with a wet flannel over your head, whispering to anyone who’ll listen that you have a migraine. In light of this well known fact I vow to be sensible. I will drink white wine spritzers if we go to the pub.
Then it dawns on me that wine is supposed to accompany a meal. I’ll cook! I’ll pull out all the corks. I’ll heat up some water and add those little pasta cushions full of cheese that you get in Sainsbury’s. I’ll entertain Lovely Actress With A Fanttasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle. We’ll talk about the arts. We’ll messily grate parmesan. It’ll be like that Knorr advert. The one I never got. I’ll show them.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle arrives,
‘I’m cooking!’ I pant.
‘I’m not really eating at the moment.’
Not really eating at the moment???! That’s like saying ‘I’m not really going to the loo at the moment.’
‘I’m on diet pills.’
I don’t know how people usually respond to this question but I take it by her expression that they don’t normally say ‘Are they speedy? Have you got anymore?’
Apparently, they're not speedy. They’re natural and they just make you feel full. I take a hand full anyway. It’s all so Britney chic.
So we sit, we chat, we drink wine.
I cook dinner. Then we sit, we chat, we drink wine. And we look at dinner.
Then, tantric slowly, we eat four pasta cushions. Between us.
I feel so full that I might give birth to a pasta child.
Diet Pills Rock.
Normally we might eat until we beach and belch. Today we are sprightly like weightless nymphs. With dinner over I get out my weary little laptop and show Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle how well The Other Convent Girl is doing on match.com. Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle wants to join match.com but I am anxious. The standard of spelling and grammar is low. Lower than the base level of my humour. Which is very low and constantly plummeting. The Other Convent Girl is fine on match.com. I read an email that she sent to a winker which said ‘ I had a quite weekend’
Super Cilla cannot have another friend on match.com. She would start to wonder wear her sanity had gone. Also if she sees another profile which says ‘I love new experiences’ she is liable to sod the diet. And make a big stew. Using her own head.
So we check out the competition. We peruse Guardian Soulmates. And the men look tasty. Delicious. You wouldn’t want to take a diet pill before eating any of them, Except perhaps, the man with the DD man boobs and a head the shape of a joint of lamb.
She joins. We write her profile.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy Top Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle demands more creative control over her profile than The Other Convent Girl. She dictates and I type. Until she notices that I have added the words ‘Doesn’t do anal’ in her ‘About me’ section. She takes the key pad and starts doing her own typing after that. Then because bottom sex gags are so moreish, I write ‘Where’s my butt plug?’ as her tag line when she goes to the loo.
The photo. I have one rule about the photo. She must be grinning. And I don’t mean a demure little smile. I mean a big ‘I'm a Satanic Sex Slut, it’s up there somewhere just get it out will you’ grin.
Now Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle has a lot of photos but I suspect we can’t use any of them as they were all taken after 3am on mobile phones and although she looks unspeakably cute she’s generally wedged between two randy actors and pretending to spank a third with a pool cue.
The only suitable one we have is an actor publicity photo and although it’s black and white and arty. It doesn’t look like her. It looks like Sandi Toksvig.
In light of the fact that Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle looks more like Christina Ricci this doesn’t seem ideal.
Anyway it’s all we have.
We put the Sandi Toksvig photo up.
We get a message. Instantly.
From Man Boob Man.
I charge my digital camera.
‘Glasses on. Glasses off! Finger up bottom face. A bit higher! Work it!’ and so it continues until we have seven saucy photos. We upload them and we start to look at the men. You don’t wink at them like you do on match.com. You ‘favourite’ them. Which is exactly the same but not so much fun as favourite doesn’t rhyme with stink or sound like wank.
The conversation goes on for hours along these lines.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: What’s it with you and bald blokes?
Super Cilla: (humph) You’re so fussy.
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: He’s nice.
Super Cilla: What star sign?
Lovely Actress With A Fantasy To Sit Naked In A Sherry Trifle: Aries
Super Cilla: (shudder) Definitely not.
The next day my two-pound-lighter-body lays in the dark room.
My thinner-than-yesterday-wrist holds a wet flannel to my head.
My one-functioning-eye squints at a screen of Tabasco hot, literate men who have favourited my friend.
I daydream.
I, Super Cilla, am a pulling expert on Richard and Judy.
I am brilliant.
I am bendy.
Bottom jokes are sparse.
Oh Bollocks.
I just told Richard Madely that Russel Brand did me up the arse.
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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October 29, 2008 - Oh dear..
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
And you're wondering why I wouldn't let you write my profile?
What's with the anal fixation anyway? Tsk, tsk!
And Russel Brand p-lease.....seriously Luce, I thought daydreaming was supposed to be about NICE things....and not induce nightmares.
xxx |
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October 30, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to double g the mother |
Super Cilla i'm hoping you were safe because I don't think i'd let Russell Brand anywhere near my arse let alone near my person!!
You may need to get yourself a flea collar or get your cute little tush to the Dr's you may have something yukky
xxx
I do imagine that he'd have a pencil dick!!! |
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October 30, 2008 - RE: THIS RUSSELL BRAND BASHING.
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| The Gospel According to Super Cilla |
Horrible people above....take back your unkind words....take them back and throw them in a pit of boiling venom...and then lift up your eyes...raise them up to the light that is Russell Brand...his big hair, his black wardrobe, his long words, his Essex voice, the quirky way he sleeps with everyone...sigh.
maybe i have got it bad |
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October 30, 2008 - Have had call from 2nd date
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Other convent Girl here. Second date has called and would like to meet up again. So what are the dite pills called could do with shedding a few pounds before the next date.
3rd man lined up for date next weekend. I am on a role.
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October 30, 2008 - Hark at me with my product placement
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| The Gospel According to Super Cilla |
Diet pills are called Zotrim...i've had some since...I am still not in skinny jeans but they seem to stop me wolfing down deep fried carbohydrate so you never know!
NB hello to the makers of Zotrim..i'd happily accept freebies
NNB hello to the makers of iphone...i love you |
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November 2, 2008 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Some Guy |
| Thanks for the compliment you left on my blog! I've looked at a few of your posts and it's clear I need to catch myself up on your adventures. I wish you the best of luck! I actually met my girlfriend through my blog. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can! |
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November 12, 2008 - Think Thin!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| I've been using Zotrim too, lost 2 stone so far -I'd have its babies I love it so much! Might defeat the purpose of being lovely and thin though, never mind... x |
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November 13, 2008 - Me too!!
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| The Gospel According to Sarah |
Love your blog.... and I love Zotrim too! Couldn't help but post a comment here as, funnily enough, I recently held myself publicly accountable for all the cake I scoffed in my 20s and wrote a blog about my efforts to get skinny - http://sarahgetsslim08.blogspot.com - thank god for diet pills.
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November 24, 2008 - Vanished again?
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| The Gospel According to britoutofwater |
| Halley's Comet is seen with more regularity than Super Cilla. Come on, extract finger, and start typing... |
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January 15, 2009 - more blogging??
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| I just found your blog and read it all! It's so funny!! Can we expect any more posts any time soon? Pretty please with sugar on top? |
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January 15, 2009 - Ah thank you for your kind words, anonymous
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
| I will be back soon I promise... |
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March 25, 2009 - It is now a book
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I got my invite today to the book launch. Very excited to real live all the joys of the blog.
Well done Bunny. |
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April 2, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Amazing!just finished reading this book, which i randomly picked up to make the bus journey from hell more bearable, no word of a lie was gutted when i finally saw the hills of my destination approach!(portree skye)laughed out loud twice on public transport!!woo hoo!!thanks for a great read!! louise x |
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August 9, 2009 - your book
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| your book is absolutely amazing, couldn't put it down and couldn't stop laughing. as for it been called the modern day bridget jones, i think its better and am a huge bridget jones fan. |
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