Book publication day post.
April 2, 2009
My book is out today! And i just want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has supported this blog and made this amazing adventure possible. If you would like to read the first chapter, listen to a podcast of me speaking some of the novel (ahhhhhhhhh..i'm not sure i can bring myself to listen to it. If it's ridiculous, please don't tell me. Just nod politely and say 'the sound quality was very good.') or an interview with me or would just generally like a festival of me and me book. Then please have a click http://www.panmacmillan.com/Titles/displayPage.asp?PageTitle=Individual%20Title&BookID=408783 You may have seen my big moon face in The London Paper this week as some of my looking for love tips were published there. For one homeward journey I was London's Love Doctor. I dread to think of the results on public decency. The article came from this much ruder and longer yearly plan which i made for friends at the beginning of the year. I thought you might like to see the unedited version.
THE 53 WEEK PERSONAL PULLING PLANNER
HAVE YOU GIVEN UP ON LOVE??
Do you adamantly believe that all the best ones are taken?
Do you mouth ‘it’ll end in tears’ when you see happy couples kissing?
Is your idea of ‘adult fun’ playing Scrabble with your dad?
If so then this could be the plan for you!
Before we begin there are a few friendly words of advice to remember which will make this plan more successful for you:
1. Lower your expectations. Are you looking for a handsome dark-haired, wealthy man with a good job in IT? Hmmmm. Try instead looking for a man with hair and a job. When you expect little you can only be either a) right b) pleasantly surprised.
2. Talk to all men as though they are ugly. Most of them will be anyway. But if you are faced with an example of Gillette advert perfection, pretend he is ugly, quickly, before you start dribbling and speaking like a Telly Tubby. It is always much easier talking to ugly people.
3. Start flattering the opposite sex. ‘There's nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him’ as the Baroness from the Sound of Music very sensibly pointed out. Behaving in this way will make you feel a little queasy at first but wait until you see them melt like Magnums in the midday sun.
4. Remember that we were all born shy and terrified at the thought of pulling but God invented large glasses of Pinot Grigio and buy two get the rest of the bottle free offers to aid us.
You will also need:
1. A girlfriend who: a. has a rampant enthusiasm for drinking and making a fool herself, and b. is not as good looking as you
2. A lot of make up. Put it on in the dark and stop just before you look like a man in drag.
3. A push-up padded bra which is too small for you, stuffed with unused cotton wool pads.
4. High heels because they make you look thinner.
Ready now? Let’s go …
Week One
Cosmic ordering
You will be probably be too taxidermied with turkey and Christmas pudding to move. But good news this week: you won’t have to move. Simply steal a Cadbury’s selection box from an under-five and lie back and start cosmic ordering.
I can hear you saying ‘pah! Cosmic ordering will be as effective in my life as a Kaliber on a bender!’ But just you listen to this… a few years ago Noel Edmonds was just your average run-of-the-mill faded television superstar. One minute he was opening gynaecology units in hospitals near Exeter while his wife was boffing her pilates instructor. The next he was signing million pound contracts for the cannily named daytime quiz show Deal or No Deal. How? He cosmically ordered the show. He asked the universe to give him a television show. And the universe said ‘er all right then Noel’.
Now you must ask the universe to give you a man. Close your eyes and go for it. (It’s best if you specify a bit. Things like a pulse, a mouth, older than 12 but younger than 92, that sort of thing.)
Week Two
Online dating
You will need something to cheer you up when you return to work and perusing the legions of men on dating websites who bear a very real resemblence to Shrek will do just that.
Suggested response when an unconventional looking man sends you a message: ‘Thank you so much for that lovely picture of a park/waterfall/townhouse/kitchen surface. It’s a shame that bloke got in the way.’
Week Three
Speed dating
You’re probably fiscally damaged after Christmas and tax is due soon. So pick a cheap one. Some are only £20 to meet 20 men. A bargain. The Pound Land of Dating.
What to say: ask them if they know any good jokes then if all else fails you will learn something.
Week Four
The Singles’ Night
Recommended action: Start with a pint of strong European lager, follow with the bottle of Pinot Grigio. Move quickly onto spirits.
Recommended chat-up line: ‘How about we each go off and get drunker and then meet back here for a snog at 11?’
Week Five
Burns Night
Find a place full of drunk, Scottish men in kilts (pubs and Scotland should be full of them). Lift up a man’s kilt, lick your lips as though you’ve just eaten a donut and say ‘Is this the Scottish haggis?’ in an M&S sexy food voice.
Week Six
Pulling at work
Cast your eyes around the open plan office. Is there a specimen of male perfection that you might have overlooked?
a) Yes
b) No
If the answer is a) yes, buy some biscuits from Millie’s, put them in a Tupperware then approach said man saying, ‘would you like a cookie I made with some disadvantaged children this weekend?’ Then lift your skirt up to reveal a lacy stocking top and scratch your leg. Not too much though, don’t let him think you have shingles.
If the answer is b) no, lower your standards and try again. Pinot Grigio will help with this. Continue until you can answer a) yes.
Week Seven
Valentine’s Day
It is now permissible to resuscitate an ex-lover. Call them and say, ‘I still think you’re a knob head but I miss that thing you used to do.’
Week Eight
Pulling a barman
Barmen get a lot of attention so don’t shilly-shally about.
Order a Screaming Orgasm and A Slippery Nipple then say, ‘I love your cock…… (smile, lick your lips and then suck on a finger like you’re trying to get a ring off in the pause) ……….tails.’
Week Nine
Pulling in a pub
Like most places which sell lager, pubs are full of men. A man goes in a pub to demonstrate that he can drink lager and entertain his friends with stories about football and drinking lager.
Suggested chat-up lines:’ You’re very funny. Are you a comedian?’ or ‘Would you like a pint of lager?’
Week Ten
Pulling in a nightclub
The nightclub is a double-edged sword for men. On the one hand they like them because they contain young women jiggling in tight tops on the other they loathe them because they house a dance floor and music with repetitive beats. Suggested chat-up line: ‘You dance really well…for a man.’
Week Eleven
Pulling at a salsa club
Foreign men don’t have the same irrational fear of dancing as your average English male. Nor do foreign men look as though they’ve just eaten a dodgy vindaloo when they dance. Make the most of it.
Suggested chat-up line: ‘I may not have great rhythm but I’m very enthusiastic and quite bendy too.’
Week Twelve
St Patrick’s Day
Wander into a pub full of men drinking Guinness. Find a man with fresh pint. Stick your finger in the white foamy top, slowly put your finger in your mouth and say ‘I love the head’. It shouldn’t be long before someone shows you his shamrock.
Week Thirteen
Meet the neighbours
Have a party for all the flats in your block. Wander around holding M&S dips and some hacked apart carrots and say, ‘nibble?’ and ‘dip?’ a lot.
Then suggest a game of Spin the Bottle. When everyone looks at you as though you are six, look at them as though they are stupid and say ‘it’s a big thing now. The Primrose Hill set are always doing it.’
Week Fourteen
The April Fool
Wake early. Dress smart. Go to a place where lots of men work. City office, building site, the headquarters of Nuts or Zoo magazine. Approach a man and say in a professional manner, ‘Have you heard of Kelly Brook?’ Ignore the whooping sound they make as they say the word ‘yes’. Then say, ‘I work for her management company and we are looking for an average man to kiss her in an advert. Is this something that might interest you?’ Ignore the Mars Bar in his pocket which might start to appear as he says ‘yes’. Then ask him to audition. He must close his eyes, pretend that you are Kelly Brook and kiss you. Have a good morning.
Week Fifteen
Pulling a waiter
Suggest going to an Italian restaurant and ordering your dinner with the Italian waiter. That should do the trick.
Week Sixteen
Easter
Spend the four-day holiday wearing bunny ears with cotton wool stuck to your bottom. Go up to handsome men shouting ‘Chase me! Chase Me! I won’t run fast. I’m the Easter bunny. I bet you can’t guess where my eggs are?’
Week Seventeen
Places where men go: Toilet
Position yourself in a bar at a table near the men’s toilets. Don’t’ say ‘Urgh! You dirty bastard, did that smell come from you?’ Instead say with a saucy glint in your eye, ‘I hope you washed your hands.’ Repeat until someone offers you a drink or you get removed from the establishment by a bouncer.
Week Eighteen
DIY shops
People often neglect the fact that B & Q and Wickes can be hotbeds of lust.
Suggestion
Wander around muttering ‘I need a screw’ repeatedly.
Week Nineteen
Gym
Tip: Stay off the treadmill. Accidents can happen when you start looking at honed men on moving machinery.
Instead: Struggle with a piece of apparatus and then say, ‘You look like you know how to use your equipment … (it is very important to look innocent here) I mean, THE equipment.’
Week Twenty
Go to a garden centre
Take sandwiches as it might take a few hours to find someone who isn’t there with a wife in wellies. Once you find a single male, do not waste time, approach and say ‘I don’t actually have a garden but I do have a lovely bush which needs tending.’
Week Twenty-One
The rush hour
Rush hour travel offers the opportunity to get as close to a man as physically possible, bar penetration. Start with ‘nice armpit,’ then proceed on to ‘Is that book good?’ even if he is reading something called ‘Advanced Software Testing - Vol. 1: Guide to the ISTQB Advanced Certification as an Advanced Test Analyst’.
Week Twenty-Two
An acoustic night
Acoustic gigs are always full of men. This is because every man has a friend who is tone deaf, yet still insists on writing and performing songs about pain. Men like to support their friends those who labour under the illusion that they are Jeff Buckley.
At the interval approach your prey and say, ‘Are you in a band?’ He will love this. Now all you have to do is look thrilled when he tells you that he is fact a systems analyst controller.
Week Twenty-Three
A hen night
Simply steal the ‘Bride to be’ sash, hat, L plates, dingy boppers, fairy wings, blow up man etc and run about screaming ‘take me while you can, big boy.’
Week Twenty-Four
Chip van/ KFC/kebab shop between midnight and 2am
You must quell your normal impulses to shout ‘I can’t believe you’re eating that crap. Your farts will kill animals tomorrow.’ You must: Love him and love his kebab.
Try instead: ‘Excuse me, I don’t usually come to these places, I cook generally, I’m a huge fan of Nigella. [Self-deprecating laugh while he looks at your boobies.] Is the lamb doner as lovely as it looks?’
Week Twenty-Five
Film screening
Go to a busy cinema and watch a boy film. Stand in the foyer after the show. Start saying loudly things like, ‘it was ok but it just didn’t have the impact of say Star Wars or Blade Runner.’ A man should approach and propose there and then. If he doesn’t sidle up to one and say ‘Excuse me I’m having this debate with my friend, what’s the name of the police officer who becomes Robocop? I’ve completely forgotten and I’m sure I won’t be able to sleep tonight unless I remember.’
Week Twenty-Six
Going for the big guns: the surfer
Big Gun chat-up line: ‘Have we met before or do I recognise you from a Gillette Advert?’
Week Twenty-Seven
Rich men’s sports: clay pigeon shooting
Dodging rifle fire, sidle up to a nice looking man and say ‘There’s a man over there who keeps shouting “pull” so I thought I’d do as I was told and come and say “hi”.’
Week Twenty-Eight
Wedding
The wedding is the perfect pulling platform. People are dressed up, soaked with champagne and full of love.
Suggested line: ‘Did you know that one in three marriages ends in divorce?’ Men love a challenge.
Week Twenty-Nine
Cricket - Probably The Most Boring Sport In The World TM
Take yourself to a cricket match. Wear a nice pair of knickers.
Sit next to the best looking bloke there. Say ‘Excuse me I’m going to streak in a little while, could I just sit here with you and drink my drink?’ He will definitely make conversation. Then take all your clothes off except your knickers as you have class and run across the pitch. You will get mauled by men in uniforms and then banned from all subsequent games. It is a win-win situation.
Week Thirty
The Beach
The key on the beach is to make sure that he notices you and none of the other 400 semi- naked women there.
Ask ‘Do you mind if I sunbathe topless next to you?’ and then place your towel as near to his as you can, or on top of it. Or if you are feeling energetic: run into the sea and drag a handsome man out of the water. Give him the kiss of life on the sand. When he calls you an ‘unhinged-bat-freak-woman’, act innocent and say, ‘Sorry. I thought you were drowning. My God was that swimming? What were you doing? The doggy paddle?’
Week Thirty-One
Mid-year appraisal
Well done ladies. We’re half way through. How are you doing?
1. Do you still have a liver?
2. Do you still have any money?
If the answer to either of those questions is ‘yes’ all I have to say is ‘You’re just not trying hard enough, are you?’
Week Thirty-Two
Dog walking
Borrow or steal a canine. Run round the park yelling, ‘You’re a frisky one! Just like mummy.’
Week Thirty-Three
Pulling at a Festival
Check the weather forecast. The ideal condition for pulling at a festival is torrential rain. The mud means that they won’t be able to run away very fast.
Suggested chat-up line: ‘It might be the drugs I’m on but you look gorgeous.’
Week Thirty-Four
The moving vehicle: boat
Choose a sunny day and sunbathe on deck in a bikini top. Shout the words ‘Do you know if there’s a pub on board?’ to all men passing. Thus demonstrating that you have breasts and you like pubs. And are therefore an ideal woman.
Week Thirty-Five
Newspaper Lonely Hearts
Suggested response to all men: ‘I loved your ad, “46 year old divorcee, 5 foot 3, rotund physique, works in finance seeks large-breasted 24 year old who can cook.” Brilliant! You really do have a GSOH.’
Week Thirty-Six
Golf
Stand on the putting green wearing heels and an off-the-shoulder top. Watch him pot the ball. Say ‘You are ever so clever. I wish I could get something in the hole.’ Before you know it you’ll be back at his watching the Golf Channel.
Week Thirty-Seven
The Running Club
Handsome, fit men run. So, either embark on a four month regime of running four miles at 6.30 am before joining a running club or simply turn up limping and wincing and ask the good looking ones to demonstrate some advanced groin stretches for you.
Week Thirty-Eight
Fishing
You must go fishing with a copy of a Nigella cookbook. NB. Book must look used and dog-eared. Suggestion: smear it with tomato puree and flour. (Ketchup and cocaine can substituted if more readily available.)
Sit on the bank shrieking ‘golly this is shite, we’ll never be able to make sugar-spiced salmon with Chinese hot mustard if we don’t catch anything.’ Until someone offers you some fish or drowns you on the grounds of noise pollution.
Week Thirty-Nine
Football
Anywhere where football is played = lots of predominantly straight men.
The perfect line to say to a man when watching a football match is ‘Do you play football yourself?’ To which most men will respond, ‘yes I nearly went professional but then I had to give up because of an ankle injury.’ Act fascinated. If this becomes hard simply nod and use words such as ‘wow’ and ‘really’ in any gaps.
Week Forty
The Men’s clothes shop
You must pretend you work in the shop. Approach your subject with ‘Do you need any help?’
Then suggest clothes that would suit him. He will try them on and show you. At which point you will see some fluff on his bottom. Keep stroking his bottom whilst saying ‘you’ve just got a bit of fluff here.’ By the time you get removed by security you will have either snogged him in the changing rooms or done a heroic deed by styling him.
Week Forty-One
A beer festival
Dress like Nancy from Oliver and keep an imitation wedding ring in your pocket. Go to a big beer festival. Men who drink so much that they pass out will be laid around the perimeters. Straddle a good-looking one. While he is unconscious put the ring on your finger and wipe the vomit off him. When he wakes up, show him the ring and say enthusiastically ‘We did it darling! Let’s go and tell mother!’
Week Forty-Two
Art exhibition
Wander around a gallery, DO NOT say, ‘call that art? I’ve seen more creative patterns on a sanitary towel.’ Instead say words like ‘remarkable’ and ‘extraordinary’ very slowly and then shake your head in disbelieving wonder afterwards. Then when you’ve caught his eye say, ‘Are you an artist yourself?’ This will probably give him a small semi and you’ll be on all fours in the disabled loos before you know it.
Week Forty-Three
Library/Bookshop
The great thing about these places is that they are quiet. Therefore if you speak loudly everyone will hear you.
Suggested line to get you noticed: ‘Do you have anything on sex addiction?’
Week Forty-Four
For the next few weeks we’re going to start being a little bit nastier to the opposite sex. We have flattered them enough. It’s time for some tough love. We must insult them in the early stages of conversation thus shattering their self-confidence so that they will be all vulnerable and puppy like in our hands. This tactic was developed by men to use on us. So, be brutal ladies.
Negging Task 1
Halloween
Approach a well dressed handsome man and exclaim loudly, ‘The guy from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Brilliant costume and you did your make up really well.’
Week Forty- Five
Negging task 2
The restaurant
Flag down an attractive man on his way to the toilet and say, ‘Excuse me, can we order?’
Week Forty-Six
Negging Task 3
In the street.
There is nothing a heterosexual man likes to be called less than ‘a girl’ except perhaps ‘a big girl’. So simply approach a chap you like the look of and say ‘Deborah! I haven’t seen you for ages!’
Week Forty-Seven
Time is nearly up
Find and meet Russell Brand.
Week Forty-Eight
Pulling in a supermarket
Show breast like Nigella Lawson. Stand in the wine section and look helpless yet rampant. Say to a nice looking man: ‘Excuse me, I’m having a night in on my own. I’ve made Nigella’s chicken, bacon and mushroom pie (do not change it to anything involving fish - men love pies and chicken) I thought I should have a glass of wine with it. I just don’t have a clue which one to get. Have you tried this Louis Jadot Côtes de Beaune-Villages 2006 Burgundy? By any chance.’
If this fails simply follow men around, look in their baskets and say, ‘Excuse me I was just wondering how you managed to look so good on a diet of Melton Mowbray and Stella?’
Week Forty-Nine
Going for the big guns: The snowboarder
Big gun strategy: Go to a ski resort or dry ski slope.
Wait in the nearest bar to the slopes. Pretend you are a masseuse. Offer shoulder and thigh massages, £15 for 15 minutes. Alternate these two massage styles: kneading the dough and the insane happy hardcore back slap dance routine. Not only do you get your hands on some firm flesh, you will make some Christmas money too. When you get someone you really like you may whisper in their ear, ‘Would you like the happy ending?’
Week Fifty
The office party
Defend the mulled wine from all other women then approach the one available man whose waist size is less than his age. ‘Shall we go to the stationary cupboard and bang our naked loins against some Viking Direct boxes?’
Week Fifty-One
On the train back home for Christmas
Not the sexiest place admittedly. It’s hard to feel horny after bad coffee, a dodgy Croque Monsieur, when there are signal failures outside Croydon and the only available space to fornicate is a small room covered in other people’s wee. Don’t let that put you off though. Trains are moving vehicles so whoever you choose to talk to cannot get away. (Unless he decides to suicidally alight or hijack the vehicle)
Week Fifty-Two
Midnight mass
Run up to anyone, pull the mistletoe out of your pocket and shout ‘Ding Dong’.
Week Fifty-Three
Desperate measures
Find and meet Callum Best or any of Manchester United
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Talk to me be brutal!!
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April 7, 2009 - Feedback on week 21
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
So. I was on the Tube this morning, reading your book. As I got off the train at Holborn, where all the hot City workers change, a man called across to me "Good luck with finding your lover". This could have been a fairytale ending. Only he was about 60, bald and fat (2 out of 3 would have been ok, but come on!) And then all the hot City workers turned around and stared at me, assuming (not unreasonably I suppose) that I was reading a self-help book on the Tube.
Nice. Thanks for the book though - it's worth the shame and humiliation! |
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April 7, 2009 - oooooo oooooo ooo
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
don't give up on this though!
....tomorrow the bloke who says something might be 37, with a closely shaved head like a furry peach and a sexually intense stare like a panther ........and he might just have bought a 15th century chateau somewhere in france where they make really good camembert...he'll drive you there in his vintage-something-or-other-car via the ridiculously reasonable farmers market....you'll heat the camembert up in his aga and eat it with your fingers....then he'll pick some crusty chesse from your chin......and chase you up the stairs with a baguette.....
i'm excited. please report back.... |
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April 11, 2009 - Loved your book!
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| The Gospel According to Seonag Kirsty |
I read your book and I loved it!! When reading it I thought that if someone made a blog like this it would have loads of hits! And when i reached the end I couldn't not have a look. So I started reading some of your posts. I managed to read your book in roughly one day! Was in England with my man and as he played the playstation I read and ran out of books so we went looking for something I could read and your book jumped out at me and next thing I knew I was finished it! Was almost in tears reading it by the way!! Now I demand you write something else! And I am going to pass the book around and suggest it to many people!
Much love xoxoxo |
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April 13, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| been reading your book for the past two hours... can't put it down. brilliant! |
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April 13, 2009 - Fantastic
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Just finished reading your book, it is brilliant!!! Made me laugh and made me cry and a happy ending, all the things a girl could want from a good book. Can't wait to read the next one. |
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April 13, 2009 - Thank you!
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
Seonag Kirsty and Anonymous, hello, and thank you so, so, so, so much for
a) choosing to buy my book.
b) reading it all the way through.
c) saying such lovely things about it.
Honestly, it's really scary for me at the moment because the book's just come out and i don't know what people will make of it. Whether they'll enjoy it or read the first chapter and then hurl it across the room in a frivolous fiction frenzy or simply use it as doorstop or something......so, your kind comments have made my weekend.....a thousand thank yous...i am so pleased you enjoyed it...xx |
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April 14, 2009 - re: booky book
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| The Gospel According to double g the mother to be again |
hey honey Just finished ready your book, took me longer than normal but have been very very busy!!!
I'm so proud of you the book was brilliant passing it on to all the family
so that I can get feedback from them as well
xxx give me a heads up when the next book is out
p.s maybe it could be 50 ways to gross out your lover!! |
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April 16, 2009 - Brilliant!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Your book was amazing, best book i've read for ages!! So funny but also so true and heartfelt, i loved it and didn't want it to end! Please do a sequal - maybe Sarah needs 50 ways to keep her lover!! I am now going to be reading back through your blog to see what i missed out on there - oh and then will think about getting my own life ha ha!!
Good luck for the future, i will be keeping my eyes peeled for your next book!!
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April 16, 2009 - oooo anonymous!
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
thank you so much for those nice words...and yes, i'm doing a sequel and my working title at the moment is 50 Ways To Keep A Lover!!!!
xx |
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April 21, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Merlin |
So I'm on the net come across this book, think to myself hmmm thats sounds familiar, converse with homeless friend on FB who informs me it is indeed true and that its been published.
How cool is that!!... wasn't there some conversation once of this?... massive congrats Luce...feel rather proud
x
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April 22, 2009 - oo blimey
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| The Gospel According to Lucy |
| it's Merlin...remember him? ....hello love....thank you sir, nice to hear from you....xxx |
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April 25, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Cat |
Gosh, exciting. I picked up your book in Sainsbury's today, read a bit in the bath, and thought, hang on, I know this... Congratulations!
Cat (www.thecatgirlspeaks.blogspot.com) |
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April 29, 2009 - You're my blogging idol...
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I bought your book. twice. Got it delivered to the boyfriend's work then broke up with him before I had time to pick it up. Now it seems like a self-help book. timely.
loved it though. Eagerly anticipating the sequel... or for you to return to your roots and start blogging again and entertain all us computer-bound wage slaves
Cheers muchly x
The lovely Australian (who now lives in London but hey)
(http://cheekygoddess.blogspot.com) |
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April 30, 2009 - so great!
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| The Gospel According to your number 1 american fan! |
| I just finished reading 50 ways to find a lover....SO FUNNY!!! When you are describing when you woke up with a man in your bed and you had to fart, i was dying laughing!! this book is honest and funny! im studying abroad in england this year and of all the english novels i've read so far, this is definitely the best! thank you so much!!! |
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April 30, 2009 - A fab read!
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| The Gospel According to Shelley |
| Thanks for the great book; I haven't been able to put it down! I'm currently off work suffering from anxiety/depression - though now I think my OH is becoming a little sceptical about this, given that he has been interrupted by frequent snorts of laughter coming from my direction. Seriously though, feeling as crappy as I do at the moment, your book has been a real pick-me-up. It should be on the 'Suggested-Treatments-For-Anxiety-And-Depression' list of all doctors. Can't wait to see what you come up with next!! x |
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May 1, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Serene |
Hello Spinster! (I just read your book hehe)
One question, did you really go through the whole bone marrow ordeal? O: |
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May 3, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to sarah r |
| Just read your book in 24 hours.....that makes me sound like a total billy no mates as it's sunday, so my reading took place mainly on saturday night, but in my defence I have two kids under 5 so I get little chance to read unless I do it when other people are out having a social life!!!! Anyway, it was really funny so I do hope there will be more where that came from??? xx |
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May 5, 2009 - it's all 'me me me...'
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
told you you'd get a deal...but we knew that, didn't we. that wallpaper still reminds of the pub in Plaistow. the one next to the pie and mash shop. change it for god's sake!
how are you me dear? x
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May 6, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| I have just read your amazing book in 24 hours! Perhaps its not that incredible, but i am in my last year at school and studying "hard" for my GCSE's. Tonight i have given up on all studying to find out whether or not Sarah actually tells Simon. I sound so sad. But, i was so engrossed that today in my maths lesson my teacher confiscated my book! He started reading it out loud and laughing, i told him to turn to page 93, and for many of my top set maths group they were shocked, yet me and my friend Jess were in fits of laughter and tears! Your book has not only made my day it has made GCSE revision a lot more pleasurable. I look forward to many more books to help me through a levels. (: no pressure. xxx |
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May 8, 2009 - Your Book
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
| Is Fab, Couldnt put it down. It made me Laugh Out Loud in bed lay next to my husband, who's deeply irritated sighs made me Laugh even harder. Thank you for writing so honestly and not a gush in sight |
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May 8, 2009 - first comment...
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| The Gospel According to Debbie |
Hello!
Bought the book and LOVE IT. Proper love it.
I don't normally like "chick lit" type books but this was brilliant. Can't wait to read more from you...
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May 9, 2009 - Thumbs up.
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| The Gospel According to Vivian from http://mysecretwhispers.blogspot.com |
A simple thumbs up to say your book is of excellent brilliant wittiness. :) I absolutely loved it.
Love from your Asian fan!! xx |
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May 19, 2009 - your book
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| The Gospel According to Drunk and silly |
| i read it in about a day! and i'm now passing it on to several friends. i loved it. it actually felt a bit like me - for instance right at this precise moment i am drunk - too drunk to be on the internet at any rate - and i feel like blogging...even though i don't have a blog. how do you get a blog? but yeah, what i actually wanted to say was that i think you're very wise and funny. xxx |
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May 23, 2009 - loved it, thankyou!
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| The Gospel According to anon |
| Dare I say I picked your book up as it was on special offer the other day, and am so glad I did. One of the funniest, most true to life books I've read in a long time - it has me laughing out loud on the tube every morning! Many, many congratulations on such a fantastic first book... look forward to any new material... |
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May 26, 2009 - Hiya
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Hi Lucy,
I stumbled upon your book by accident in a bookstore last month. The first few paragraphs got me hooked and so I bought it.
I am in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and I have to say, I think you are hilarious and I am so happy that you found a man who appreciates you (He does right?)
I am single, just turned 30 last February so believe me when I say that I feel Sarah's character, I totally 'feel' it. The dating scene here is a bit different... or maybe I just have different standards... heee...
I would love to get an email from you one of these days, not hoping for it but I am crossing my fingers...
I can be reached at sarclover58@gmail.com or you can just holler at my blog Botheredbewildered.wordpress.com.
Ciao! |
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May 30, 2009 - your book
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
just finished it, was fantasitc! made me laugh out loud on the train after a very bad day - caused some very funny looks but who cares!!!
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June 1, 2009 - I just read your book!
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
And I have to say I loved it! Well done, I laughed so much "a little bit of wee came out". Totally great read, loved the swearing, pint drinking and sweaty fanny jokes. Keep up the good work!
Helen x |
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June 3, 2009 - Your book is SO FAB!!
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| The Gospel According to Glittergirl |
I just wanted to say that your book is so fab, I read it last month and laughed so much! Especially at the age concern internet group reading the blog! Reading your book got my through many boring lunchtimes at work so thanks very much! Off to read more of your blog....
Please write another book!! |
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June 6, 2009 - book
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I laughed out loud plenty over the two days I read your book.
are you bringing out another book? |
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June 23, 2009 - Loving the book
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| The Gospel According to Named 'D' |
I had broken up with my partner nearly a year ago and I am unfortunately still going through the heartache of the break up.
book by accident and I had only read the 1st page and I was already hooked. It made me laugh so loud my sister had to take a step back.
The book has made me laugh and cry and it is so well written that i just could not put it down. I was addicted.
Its silly I know, I feel like I am the first Sarah, not believing in love and happiness, but I hope that one day I will be able to find love and have such a happy outcome as in the book.
Brilliant book and thank you x |
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June 24, 2009 - love the book
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| The Gospel According to loop |
| ...but the whole nearly 30, slightly deranged, fatal lack of sex thing ringing a bit too true for my liking! tarot reader has just promised me four men to choose from. pah! one half-formed one would do. or half of one. I'm not fussy. No, seriously, I'm not fussy. the tips are great though. have decided to default and go for russell brand. it's against his contract to say 'no', right? even the leprechauns on guardian soulmates are looking at my profile and then not favouriting. spurned by ugly dwarves. and leaving rambling messages on poor lady's blog. umm. better go now. |
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June 25, 2009 - YOUR BOOK
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| The Gospel According to Annonymous With A NAME... :) |
omg
its sooo amazing....
i actually did read it ina like 7HOURS and finished it,... now i wish i didnt...
there never was 50ways but lmao at yours... sooo how are things with Simon? lol i knew he was always the one... i love camden btw... i got my tattoo, nose piercing there... i like exactly 6stops away from there near a biggg shoppin mall... fun fun fun... anyway thanks for the entertainment looking foward to MANY of your books.. dont keep us waiting for long...
love...
`mylifewitmynokia'
ps. you've inspired me to start bloggin and that would probably my blogger name...
pss. who is LOVELESS!!! she/he is HILARIOUS!!! |
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July 1, 2009 - helloooo
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| The Gospel According to Rooby |
Hi,
I have never thought i would be sending you something..
I'm totally in love with your book, I'll start chapter forty-six today.
I find this novel really interesting, you know I'm a mother of a 7months old and its really hard to be free to read something and yet i'm finding the time to read your book.
Do you have any other books??
I'll be back when i finish reading ;) |
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July 7, 2009 - Compliments
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| The Gospel According to stalkedsteff |
| Hey Lucy :D I've bought your book. It was awesome. The book lead me to your blog. Haha I'm gonna start following your updates eyhh. |
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July 13, 2009 - Thank you
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| The Gospel According to Bout2BDivorced |
I cannot thank you enough. I don't know how much of your book is true // or the blog...but all I can say is that I am going through a very very difficult time in my life right now and that at 30 my life has not turned out to be at all the way I thought it would be at this age....I bought your book on a whim and read it in 8 hours straight and it has been the only 8 hours in the last 2 weeks in which I have laughed out loud and cringed and felt as if I knew exactly what you were writing about (that must have been the longest sentence ever!)
Anyway, thank you so much for you book. It has brought me some brief joy in this time of difficulty and it has restored my sense of humour and positivity.
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July 15, 2009 - currently hooked
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| The Gospel According to Josie Henley-Einion |
I’m reading ’50 Ways’ and loving it. Very funny, I keep sniggering in the school queue and getting curious looks but keeping to myself as the sniggers usually involve shouted swearwords or ‘sweaty fanny’. Anyway, was going to wait till I’d finished to leave a comment but as I can see by the book how much you love them I thought I’d do an interim comment now.
Intrigued though – is Paul going to turn out a nice bloke after all? Is Favourite Customer going to be gay or not gay? I thought for a while that Si was No.1 Fan but it turns out to be nicotine chewing gaffer. You’ve definitely got me hooked as it’s not predictable and I hope it keeps on careening on.
Btw, have you found lurve yet? |
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July 17, 2009 - I'm so impressed
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
So it's you!!! I read your blog while I was living in Prague - oh so many years ago - and you've gone and gotten published AND (what's more) your book is advertised all about the underground station I go to every morning (ostensibly the one where all the good looking people in London live...but I'm not so sure!!).
CONGRATULATIONS!!
She says, seething inwardly at her own cowardly lack of approaching publishers etc.
Seriously though, I'm going to buy the book and enjoy more of what I used to love reading on the blog. Actually - that's a lie. I'm still permanently skint from partying too hard and moving too frequently (I cannot believe what I have to pay for a decent kitchen in this bloody town!) so I'll be getting the book from the library as with all others!
Much love and luck to you,
nomes (http://nomesboxall.blogspot.com) |
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July 19, 2009 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to London Loves |
If you want more tales of a hapless single girl looking for love, and realising it doesn't want to be found, then take a look at http://the-london-loves.blogspot.com/
It's all very new, so bear with me! LLx |
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August 23, 2009 - Your Book
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| The Gospel According to fellow londener/actress |
I just read your book so i thought i should check out you blog, FUN LOL
thank you so much for my book, im giving it to my loveless sister for her birthday next week, i finihsed your book yesterday and have been reading it on holiday, you should soooo write another book, i would read it lol |
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September 3, 2009 - 50 ways to find a lover
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| The Gospel According to Emily_xx |
Ok i didn't buy the book but i borrowed it from my friend thinking "this won't be much good but i'll read it just to appease her" anyway i picked it up at 10:45 am yesterday and i finished it at 1130 am today... and all i'm saying is, "50 ways to find a lover is an EPIC book" and i read alot of books, i loved it!!
Congratulations! |
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September 17, 2009 - 50 ways to find a lover
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| The Gospel According to flyingpig |
hi
i am just wirtting to say that i have read your book, and thought it was absolutely amazing!!! i really enjoyed reading it and couldnt put it down, i told myself i would read one more chapter then go to bed, but just kept reading and the next thing i knew i had finished the book. i also cried. so thank you so much for writting such a brilliant book!!!
xxx |
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September 22, 2009 - 30yo Brazilian Spinster (oh my)
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| The Gospel According to M. |
Hey! I liked your book a lot, and now I'm here to give your blog a go.
It's really funny, but I cried a lot too! I looked a bit bipolar this last week while reading it! lol
Well, just writing to wish you good luck (a bit late) with the book.
Can't wait for your second novel! :) |
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November 7, 2009 - Hey
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
I have just finished reading your book, it was absolutly amazing!! I wish there was more, do you recone you will ever write anouther? i would love to know what happened to sarah and simon. Congratulations on your first book .
love
Rebecca |
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November 10, 2009 - new reader from SA
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
Just started reading your book for lunch-break diversion purposes and even though I've only just started with chapter 2, I wanted to let you know that I love it! And that coming from someone who generally avoid any commercial/romance type novels, sticking to old time favourites like Stephen King...will make sure to recommend it to all the girlfriends!
E. Hallatt
Rep. of South Africa |
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January 6, 2010 - Loved it Loved it Loved it
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| The Gospel According to Kelly from South Africa |
Hi Lucy!
Just finished your book and was really, really sad when I got to the last page, and quite devastated to realise that it's the only one out there so far...
Anyway, so here I am...
Thank you for writing your brilliant, funny book, and for the giggles that I got from almost every page!
I'm coming to London in the next month, and I wasn't really looking forward to leaving Cape Town, but your book makes London seem like a huge adventure... I hope to see some of the Lucy/Sarah Sargeant moves in action!!!
Good luck with the next book!
Kelly |
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January 20, 2010 - Untitled Comment
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| The Gospel According to Charlene |
Just to let you know that i absolutely love your book. I can't seem to put it down and I'm currently only on chapter 5 and already i can't wait to leave you a comment.
An avid reader of yours all the way from Malaysia |
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January 24, 2010 - your book.
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| The Gospel According to Anonymous |
your book is amazing!!
i finished reading it in about 3 hours and couldn't put it down.
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Book publication day post.