JESUS H CHRIST!

I didn't realise that I have such a problem but recently I have realised that I am the worlds biggest procrastinater.


And it is a problem because I'm not getting anything done.  I've realised that I need a tight scheduale to get things done because if I've got all the time in the world then I will do anything, ANYTHING other than what I should be doing.  For example, writing this blog.  At the moment I have a show on Tuesday where I am doing my first solo piece.  Is it written yet?  Is it bollocks!  I am doing 50 other things - including writing this blog - so that I don't have to sit down and do it.

I can't work out though whether I procrastinate over things I don't want to do or just things in general?  Because although I love writing and sorting out the shows, I am finding it hard at the moment and so will clean the house, go for a run (I'm training for the marathon you know!!), do my washing, faff around on Myspace for hours and generally do anything other than sitting down and wrting my show.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I've still got loads to do for the next show - Choeograph a dance, learn a song....write a frigging sketch!! but I'm just not doing it...Honestly, where is this attitude going to get me in life?

Yesterday I came home to some bad news.  For nearly two years now I have wanted this one agent to come and see me but she is always busy.  I never seem to have any luck with her and once again she has something on and won't be able to come see my show.  I've stopped crying and 'what do I have to do' ing about it because well, I think I expect it now.  It should actually teach me not to put all my eggs in one basket but as I have recently and quite painfully learnt, I do not learn from my mistakes - Along with procrastinating, another great fault of mine!
However, a tiny thing boyed me on yesterday.  When I was riding my bike home last night I went through some lights that were changing and would have been fine had it not been for an annoyingly slow van in front of me.  As I looked to my left to see the traffic at the crossroads getting ready to go, I must have had a look of panic on my face as I realised I needed to step on it otherwise I was going to get squished.  I caught the eye of a cyclist who was obviously waiting for me to make a decision as to whether to go for it or end up in a mess and he shouted at me 'Go, Go, Go, Keep going!'  I stood up on my bike and pedalled my little BMX to safety.  I kept repeating those words in my head, over and over again:

Keep Going....GO! GO! GO!

I keep telling people that I am holding on by my fingernails at the moment because, well, everything is a little too overwhelming but I am still here and I am still going.  And I will keep going because that's all we can do.....Keep at it.  Unfortunately, as a friend of mine told me recently, this businees I'm in is a game of endurance as opposed to how talented you are.  Those who are successful are those who stick at it and keep going...go, go, going...they keep going.......

Having said that, I just met My Husband for brunch and ate far too much toast...I'm off to bed for a kip!
Procratinating see....Pah!  What am I like?


Love
matt's llittle sister xxx