Ruined - Yes, it's the end of September, already

30/9/2005 - Yes, it's the end of September, already

We're supposed to be at some gig in Warwickshire or something tomorrow, but of course it won't happen, will it. I know it's ages since I posted. I'll tell you why.

We started the tour more than 2 months ago. It seems like a year or two, and I only clearly remember the first concert. We sucked, in my opinion, but everyone was telling us how good we were and I think the others believed it. But they were wrong. We sucked, all right, and though the audience were yelling so loud, singing along the way they do, and attacking each other and everything so they barely noticed, we even got a few boos on the night. And that was in Hicksville, Derbyshire. I confess that I was so nervous that I'd drunk most of a bottle of vodka over the course of the day, but it didn't hit me till it was all over, so I don't think it was my fault. Anyway, I think I drank less than the others. At the time, feeling high seemed great for the music.

By the end of the first week, the music press and the Sundays were slagging us off, not for our material, but the performance. The CD was and is still selling well, but of course I'm not on that. The techies made lots of changes to all the electronics. Some changes helped. Most didn't. There was this fabulous stage and fantastic production and fireworks and bangs and lasers and everything, but the music was crap.

I didn't really blame myself. Despite maintaining the pre-concert dose of alcohol, I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but Xaviera had it in for me and kept telling everyone I shouldn't of been taken on. But really it was her vocals at fault. Out of tune at a rock concert is kind of excusable, but off the beat is a no-no. It looked like she'd lost her sense of rhythm. In fact, it turns out she was on crack and thought she could do better than the beat the rest of us were setting. Joe Goldman started insisting we did extra rehearsals and run-throughs, which was sheer torture because we were exhausted and pissed most of the time. And nobody tried. Then Joe banned the alcohol, which was worse, for a while, until Chrysilla got hold of some pills that were fantastic from one of the riggers - they can get anything, I find. The music actually started to sound a lot better, and we went on in a sort of spaced-out haze, until Xaviera collapsed on stage the other night - Leeds, as it turned out. We did two gigs without her - absolute rubbish - and then the tour was cancelled.

So here I am, back in my Docklands apartment. I can't tell you what a relief it is. I think my life stopped during the tour. Hotels, minders (some of whom had dishonourable intentions), buses, planes, no control. Now I'm at a loose end. Got to go out.

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